Life Bit Me When I Bit Off More Than I Can Chew

Well, this is embarrassing. I said I was going to do research into a major subject for my blog and I’ve tried. For the last month or so I’ve spent two to three days a week working on a project that I’ve thought about for a long time. It originally started as a curiosity question on my part, but I soon realized it had the potential to be a blog, so I worked on it with that in mind.

Then the problems hit. With the crazy weather we’ve been having in Seattle, I don’t always sleep well. If I don’t sleep well, I have to fight off a cold or at least the beginning of one, which makes me tired and out to lunch mentally. I’ve learned not to do anything important to me if I’m not up to it mentally, so that slowed me down. I finally figured out how to sleep well no matter what our crazy weather does, but I do wish it’d make up its mind. Either settle into our usual hot days (80’s – 90’s) or the cooler days with high humidity or even rain.

The next problem was a carnival. I live in a part of town that has yearly Jubilee Days about the middle of July. Every year there’s a carnival complete with rides, games, food, and music. Last year it was held at a school across the street from us. We were given the impression then that it was a one-time thing because the park where they normally set up was having some maintenance done. Turns out the maintenance was actually an installation of astro turf, which means the park can no longer host the carnival. That also means that from now on, the carnival will be held across the street from our house. I was so aggravated that I e-mailed the organizers who did what they could about the noise level before suggesting I contact the police. The police told me that the carnival had a permit and there was nothing they could do till late in the day. Somehow on the third or fourth day, my roommate found the manager of the carnival and it turned out to be the same man who was in charge last year. He told me that if I’d come over and talked to him, he’d have moved the speakers, but I can talk to him next year about it. I’ll admit; that was a bit of a “duh” moment. I only wish I’d thought to go looking for him at the start. He’s a nice guy.

Then a friend of mine called and needed help. I was glad to help her as she’s one of the few friends I still have in my life from my younger days. That took more time than I expected, but then as my roommate says, “If a job is ever easier than you expected; tell me how you did it.”

Oh, and this past week, I’ve had headaches a couple of days from grinding my teeth in my sleep; even with a night guard. One day it was so bad, that I decided to make a cup of hot chocolate, which is the only caffeine I can tolerate. I also wanted it be extra rich, so I put more sugar in than normal. The sugar didn’t do what I hoped, but it did make me sick. I literally spent the later part of the day in bed because I was so nauseous. I missed dinner that evening and ended up snacking on salty proteins late in the night – steak jerky, salted cashews, and then some raw cashews. The next morning I was much better, but slightly queasy all day. I’d been dreaming about bacon for breakfast, so I made myself not one, but two bacon and egg sandwiches for breakfast. Normally I only eat bacon at most, once a week and never more than two pieces because of the sodium, but I had a serious craving that morning.

The subject I’ve been researching is not only Biblical, but it’s two sides of one coin - forgiveness and repentance. Add in the fact that there are a few tenses for each word and that means more to look up regarding each part. Present tense (forgive) and past tense (forgiven) for instance.  I’m starting to realize that while it would make for a great blog, I can’t do it in a month, if I ever do write it.

All this made me realize that trying to write a blog about random subjects isn’t as good of an idea as I thought at the start. I’ve read a couple of times that a blog should focus on one subject. One that the writer is passionate about. There are a few things I’m passionate about, but I honestly didn’t think I could write a regular blog about them. I mean I love glassblowing, but I can’t afford to do it right now. Which is too bad, because it would be fun to grow in that skill and share the journey with you. I love my cat, but I’m not going to take a bunch of pictures of one cat and try to make a blog out of her, either. Then I was talking to my roommate recently and I realized that there is something I’m passionate about; have been for most of my life and I could easily write about it. Books!! I love to read! Always have since I first learned what letters are and how they form words, which can be made into stories. So dear reader and followers, this week I will start a new blog about the books I read. I often read two to three books a week, but sometimes I only read one. It really depends on how long the book is and how tired I am at the end of the day as I do most of my reading in bed.

I’ll be up front about my reading and tell you if I didn’t like one and why or if I loved a book and why. Did it keep me up half the night wanting to know what was going to happen next or did I enjoy it enough to finish it, but not enough to stay up late? I used to finish any book I got at the library because I figured I’d chosen it, so I should finish. One day it hit me; life is too short and there are too many good, well written books out there to read something that bores me to death.

So I hope you’ll join me at my new blog, “The Avid Bibliophile.”

Here's a link to my new blog:
https://anavidbibliophile.blogspot.com

My Writing Life

I’m not sure when I realized I wanted to be a writer; I just know that I was in my late 20’s. Up until then all I’d written was the occasional poem as a way to express things I had no other way to express. I’d also kept a journal off and on throughout my life as a way to “empty my mind” onto the page.

I started writing poetry at a young age because of a notice for a poetry contest in our local paper, The Highline Times. I wrote two poems, but didn’t enter either one. To be honest, I was afraid to enter. I didn’t know anything about poetry except that it was short verse and rhymed. I’ve since learned that not all poetry rhymes. I did get to read the winning entry and was glad I hadn’t entered. There was no doubt in my mind about why a poem about a string of pearls won. That did, however inspire in me a desire to write, even if I never thought about publication.

One day I read some of my poetry to a friend of mine and she said, “Oh my gosh, Wynter. You should be published.”

My jaw hit the ground. I’d never considered being published before. To me, writing was simply a way to express myself. Several months later at a get together with this same friend and another mutual friend, they told me I should write a romance novel because of the way I talked. Again, my jaw hit the ground, but an idea was born that day. I wanted to be a writer.

So, I started working on a story. It’s not finished yet because I got to a point where I didn’t know where it was going. It didn’t help that I had ideas coming out of me like sweat on a hot day. I also know now that I was doing a type of writing called “pantsing.” It means to write by “the seat of your pants.” No outlines whatsoever. I hated writing outlines in school because they always felt like a way to put me in a strait jacket with my writing, so I would write up the outline after I wrote the paper (if my teachers knew, they never told me). I know now that writing a school paper without an outline is no big deal. To try to write a full length novel on the other hand, I really need to outline the chapters. Even if I don’t absolutely follow the outline, it will give me a sense of direction for the story.

I started this blog because I read in a writing magazine that for authors to be published these days, they need an online presence beyond their social pages, such as Facebook. I’m not published yet, but when the day comes that someone is interested in publishing something I’ve written, this blog will help to serve as a way to learn about my writing style.

When I first started writing this blog, I also thought it would be easy to come up with 1,000 words a week. I mean columnists do it all the time, so how hard can it be? Besides, I had a ton of things to say about different subjects, such as customer service (https://wfwoodbury.blogspot.com/2015/08/customer-service-in-dry-cleaning-part-i.html) (https://wfwoodbury.blogspot.com/2015/08/dry-cleaning-customer-service-part-ii.html) or ridiculous advertising (https://wfwoodbury.blogspot.com/2015/07/stupid-silly-and-disturbing-advertising.html) among other things. When I finished all the blogs I had ideas for when I started, I had to come up with more ideas. That’s when it got tough. That’s also when I began to realize that columnists who did it probably had more experience at writing than I do.

If you’ve been following my blog or reading it in recent weeks, you’ve seen me share my life story. That was prompted by a group I’m in on Facebook that’s for ladies only. We’d been discussing how we’d been hurt/abused by people in our lives that should have been caring for us, instead. I said something about maybe someday sharing my story in the group about what I’ve been through and people asked. I received permission from the Administrators to do so, which made writing my blog easier for several weeks as I’d already written my story as a book. All I had to do was go in and edit about 1,000 words each week.

When I was finished sharing my life story, I figured I could work on other writing projects three days a week then write a blog in two days a week. Then for the past couple of weeks I had two days to write a new blog. The first one was pretty easy idea wise as I’d made notes about blog ideas while posting my life story. The second one, to some extent felt like I’d recycled an old topic, but with a new twist. (https://wfwoodbury.blogspot.com/2015/06/) I also felt like I could have done better for myself and for you my reader with both blogs.

That’s when I realized that writing a weekly blog may be more than I can handle. That I’m probably better off writing a monthly blog. This would give me more time to come up with a subject and in some cases, do the research necessary. There are topics I’ve wanted to cover, but they require time and research I don’t have if I’m writing a weekly blog and trying to work on other writing projects. I still plan to utilize two days a week for my blog to insure that I can do the research needed for some of my bigger ideas that I've had for quite some time, but haven't really had time to do the digging necessary to do them justice.

So, from now on, I’ll be posting on the first Saturday of each month around 10:00 a.m. I thank you for reading my words and hope you enjoy the ones I write from now on.

Do Christians Bring on Persecution?

I’ve been seeing more and more articles online about Christians being persecuted in other countries. In fact, I just saw one where a Hindu mob drove Christians from their home demanding that they renounce Christ.

https://www.christianpost.com/news/7-christian-families-forced-from-home-as-hindu-mob-demands-they-renounce-christ.html?fbclid=IwAR2e4a7UxTSj_2kuKDC01h5iU1UJUGKAy5Llt2kB2nB1Gpr9uG7z-ELrKIA

Then there’s one about Christian genocide in Nigeria.

https://www.lifesitenews.com/news/christian-persecution-in-nigeria?fbclid=IwAR2HFMnSsSyI4-bBC_9dadQyqZlKNHGDIIzBibepIFMqyecn53PQQ8lrejY

One of the worst has to be “Snitching on Christians in China Now Pays Big Money”

https://churchleaders.com/news/348038-snitching-on-christians-now-pays-big-money-in-china.html?fbclid=IwAR2VxvKTlWI_mxAIWzFYJTgedYmnPrjdefcPEkcNmmkYfBftlboXtaLt5Dg

While these things are heartbreaking, they are part of end time events as foretold in the Bible. Even Jesus said, in Luke 11:49; 21:12, and John 15:20 that his followers would be persecuted. I know there are more scriptures regarding Christians being persecuted for the sake of being Christians, but I don’t want to fill this up with just scriptures.

So, I believe we’re living in end times. Persecution is happening in other countries and will eventually happen in this country. Now, having said that, I also believe that some of us bring that persecution on ourselves. Yes, I think we bring it on ourselves.

Too many of us are pointing at the world and saying “The Bible says you’re going to hell for …” or “The Bible says (insert problem here) is a sin.”

Now I’ll admit a lot of what Christians are claiming as sin is just that by Bible standards. The problem is that we’re overlooking some very important things.

One, we can’t apply Biblical principles/ideology to a world that doesn’t want it and in a lot of cases just plain rejects it. Just as we don’t want them forcing their views on us, we shouldn’t be forcing our views on them.

Remember, God gave everyone free will. That means they all have the right to make choices about their lives and how to live them.

I also had a very wise pastor who said once “that a person who is convinced against their will isn’t really convinced at all.” We need to respect people’s rights to choose how they live; whether we agree with them or not.

Two, in John 3:16 we read, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son so that whomsoever may believe in him should have everlasting life.” KJV*

Too many Christians are spitting hellfire at the world, instead of showing them God’s love. I’ve seen too many articles in the last few years about Christians showing up at events where they didn’t belong and trying to disrupt whatever was happening. In some cases, other groups have shown up to protect the first group’s right to do whatever in peace. We as Christians should never show that kind of disrespect to anyone.

Three, when you spit hellfire at someone, you’re pointing your bony finger at them and judging them based on what you see on the surface. Only God knows why they’re doing what they’re doing in the first place.

Remember when God sent Samuel to Jesse to choose one of his sons to be the next king of Israel in place of Saul’s son? At one point Samuel looked at one of Jesse’s sons and thought to himself, “surely this is the one.”

God spoke to Samuel and said, “Man looks at the outward. I look at the heart.” (paraphrased) I Samuel 16:1-7

In Matthew 7:1 we read, “Judge not, that ye be not judged - . . . Rotherham’s Empasized Bible. I could go on, but if you’ve read the Bible, you probably know the rest or can certainly look it up for yourself. I know that somewhere in the Bible it reads, “… if you do judge, judge righteously.”

I personally believe that “judging righteously” means looking beyond the behavior and asking “why.” Why is that person behaving that way? But even if we tried to do that, we’d fail. Too many of us are looking at others with a beam in our eye. We can’t see clearly till we clean our own house first. By that, I don’t mean be legalistic about living your life before God. I mean go before God and ask for His help. Ask Him what you need to do to have a good, righteous relationship with Him. That’s the start of cleaning our own house.

Four, last but not least, we’re failing to look at ourselves first. We’re failing to look at the sins of the church and to deal with those before we go out into the world. How many articles have you seen online recently about pastors sexually abusing children? In one case I saw, it was his own daughter and because “he was a good man,” he got a light sentence. I don’t know about you, but when I read that my blood boiled with anger. “A good man” would not have sexually abused his own daughter in the first place.

We as a church, as Christians are failing to look at our own lives and our own problems and to deal with those things before we go out into the world. If you really read the Bible, you’ll find that God always cleans His house first, before He tries to deal with the world. Even then, He allows people choices. He gave us free will, so He will not violate that.

When the church as we know it starts worrying more about having a relationship with God more than judging the world, things will change.

Persecution for being a Christian is coming no matter what we do, but let’s not bring it on ourselves with our behavior.

While writing this blog, I did a search on Yahoo to see if I could find any of the articles I mentioned about Christians disrupting events they had no business being at. I typed in “Christians showing hate” and got a list of articles about why we’re hated so much. Is it any wonder people are turning away from God when they have so many reasons to hate His earthly representatives?

Here’s a link to my search:

https://search.yahoo.com/search?p=christians+showing+hate&fr=yfp-t-s&fp=1&toggle=1&cop=mss&ei=UTF-8

One final thought. There was a picture on Facebook recently of a sign in front of a church. I wish I could share it here, but it can’t be copied. However, it read:

“Just love everyone. I’ll sort them out later. – God”

*KJV – King James Version

Job's Wife

If like me, you grew up in a church going house, then you have most likely heard the story of Job. You heard how he was a rich man who was “blameless and upright” before God. You would have also heard how Satan prowled the earth as a lion seeking whom he may devour. That he then went before God and claimed that because God had put a hedge of protection around Job, Job had good reason to walk with God. That if He, God took away that hedge of protection, Job would curse God. Long story short, God removed the hedge of protection one step at a time. First, Job lost his herds of animals. The primary source of his wealth. Then his twelve children were killed by a wind that blew in the house they had all gathered in, which was their custom. Even after the loss of his children, Job didn’t curse God. In fact, he worshipped God instead saying, “Naked came I forth from the womb of my mother and naked must I return thither. . .” Job 1:21 (Rotherham’s Emphasized Bible)

As we read further, we learn that eventually Job was so covered in boils that the only place he could sit was in the ashes. Think about that. He lost everything that made him rich. His land, his animals, and his children and now he’s sitting in the ashes completely covered in boils from head to toe with only a piece of pottery to scrape at his boils. Yet, he never stops praising God. He doesn’t curse Yahweh for any of his losses or the fact that he’s unable to move from the pile of ashes.

Now in Job 2:9 it reads, “Then said his wife unto him, ‘Art thou still holding fast to thine integrity? Curse God and die!’”

I’ve heard this story most of my life and read it in more than one translation for myself. I’ve read the King James, New American Standard, and The Amplified versions of the Bible. Every time I read the above passage, I’ve thought, “Who does she think she is telling Job to ‘curse God and die?’ He’s the one covered from head to toe in boils sitting in the ashes!”

Then I read this story again in the Rotherham’s Emphasized Bible and got a shock. Or maybe it would be more accurate to say I got hit over the head with a brick. In all the years I’ve heard the story of Job or read it, no one wrote anything about why Job’s wife would have said what she said. In Rotherham’s Emphasized Bible there’s a footnote about “. . .the offspring of my womb and my pains for whom I toiled vainly in distress. . .”

That’s when I realized that I’d been judging Job’s wife. Unjustly judging her for years. Job’s children didn’t just spring from his loins alone. They were her children as well as his. His loss was hers. I felt awful. That poor woman. I can’t imagine losing one child, but all of your children all at once? That’s a parent’s worst nightmare.

Then to make matters worse for this poor woman, Job is completely unable to work to support them. Again Rotherham’s footnotes read “I am wandering and serving from place to place and from house to house; longing for such time as the sun shall go in, that I may rest from my wearying toil and from my pains which are wont to seize me now . . .”

This means that after living for who knows how many years with servants to do her bidding, she was now a servant in other’s households to earn enough money to support herself and Job. Then of course after work she’d have to come home and prepare it herself.

Until I read those footnotes, I’d never even considered the possibility that she had as much right to complain as he did. If I’d been in her shoes, I’d have probably grumbled sooner than she did. Like when the children were all killed at once.

After Job’s reply to her, that’s it for her part in the story beyond the fact that they went on to have ten children, seven sons and three daughters again. Even then, she’s not mentioned directly. Just the fact that Job had the children, but you know she’d have carried them for him. I wouldn’t mind knowing more about her, but the Bible is silent beyond their one conversation.

In some respects, I feel sorry for her, but ultimately, I think she was a strong woman. Possibly stronger than she realized till they lost everything. She did what needed to be done with no servants and her husband in the ashes unable to do anything. That makes her a strong woman to me.

I Was An Emotional Prostitute Part 58

One of the nicest things about this situation, is I’m not the only one who’s learned from this situation. When God puts two people together, the way He has with David and I, it’s so both people can learn and grow. I know for a fact that David has learned from me. He’s learned what it means to have an openly affectionate woman in the house that likes to hug and kiss just because I love him. David has also learned to cuddle. Sometimes when we’re sitting on the couch together, he’ll put his arm out and pull me close. I never saw him do such things with his ex-wife, Jan. And as I said before, Jan was something of an iceberg in bed, so he’s learned from me how to cuddle in bed without being any more intimate than that. David had never been with anyone who liked to just cuddle in bed. So, at first, I would quietly slip in and lay there until he realized I was there and put his arm out, so I could lie on his chest. As I kept slipping into his bed early in the morning to cuddle, he came to sense my presence and was ready to cuddle immediately. It’s wonderful to be able to cuddle with someone who has no sexual expectations.

Another thing David learned from me is the need to communicate. Apparently when he was married to Jan, he never told her anything until the last minute. He learned early on, that I don’t appreciate that. I need to be told well ahead of time if he’s not going to be home for dinner. Telling me just before he walks out the door is unacceptable. Now, he lets me know ahead of time, if he’s made any plans that affect me and any dinner plans I might be making. He’s also learned to call me if he’s gone out somewhere at night and will be home later than planned. This doesn’t mean he’s perfect at it, however, if he goofs, he apologizes without me making a fuss.

I also know he’s learned more about what it means to have a supportive wife. Although we are not married, we have to a large extent functioned as a married couple should and bonded together as if we’re a family. We’ve worked together as a team to do various things around the house, such as putting a second hand swing set together for Caleb and talking over what to do with the interior of the house, which has been in a state of perpetual remodel. We’ve even been a team in matters of money, in so far as this is possible.

This also means that David has not given up on a project he’s been trying to do for at least 20 years, ever since he felt God laid it on his heart. There have been times when the lack of any real help and support in his endeavors have caused him to want to give up. He’s gotten tired and discouraged. Every time he’s come to me to tell me this, I’ve let him know I understood. I also let him that if I could be of more help to him, I would. I’ve learned about what a real marriage can and should be like in everyday life.

David has also learned what it’s like to have a somewhat ornery woman around. I have at times picked on him just because I care about him and that’s one way in which I show it. Sometimes he’ll ask me to do something and although I know I’ll do it, I may say something like, “maybe.” My favorite joke on him though got turned against me.

Occasionally I’ll go lay in his bed when I know he’s coming to bed soon just to see what he’ll do. Most of the time he’ll just crawl in beside me. This time however, I varied things. I lay across his bed diagonally under the covers. He knew something was up when he asked me if the door was locked and I didn’t answer him. So, he came into the room and acted like he was going to finish getting ready for bed. He came around to his side of the bed and instead of sitting to take his shoes off; he threw himself on the bed and almost on top of me. We started laughing and talking about it. Then he did get up and finish getting ready for bed as I continued to lie there. When he climbed in, there was no real room for him. He tried pushing me away, but that didn’t work. After a few more minutes of him trying to figure out how to move me, I got up and went to my bed. I’ll admit I didn’t want to move. After all, I was all nice and cozy right where I was and it was cold outside.

As I write this, the work in me isn’t done; it’s simply well on its way. My time here with David will be coming to an end, although I don’t know exactly when.

For me, David is a stepping-stone in the course of my healing. There is going to come a day when someone else will take over, probably my next husband. Although I’ve experienced physical and emotional intimacy with David, I know that I haven’t experienced the fullness of emotional intimacy with him, as I can’t. He and I both realize that I will not be completely open until I can experience such intimacy and that has to wait until I marry again. In the meantime, the emotional intimacy I have experienced with David has been as satisfying as it can be under the circumstances.

There’s more to my life story than I’ve shared in this blog. I’ve been writing a book that contains the whole story (I think) which, I hope to have published someday. My original purpose in sharing this much was to offer hope. Hope for those who need emotional healing from the wounds of the past. It was also in the hope of encouraging others to seek God’s emotional healing for themselves. Therefore, I believe this is a good place to end the story.

I Was An Emotional Prostitute Part 57

As I become healed emotionally, I find myself more desirous of cuddling with David and needing less of the intimate moments with him. I’m also more inclined to give love to David and to try to find ways to spoil him a little during our most intimate moments. He told me more than once that I’ve done things for him, which no one else had. I touched him in ways that no other woman had and done other little things in an effort to show my desire for him and my appreciation of him, which he had never experienced. We always keep things where they belong, in the sense that no matter how much we may want to, we don’t have intercourse. I know that in some ways this has been harder on David than me. I can come away from our physically intimate encounters fairly satisfied, whereas he cannot be completely satisfied as we cannot give ourselves as completely to each other as we wish to sometimes. David is an amazing man in that respect. We can be very intimate with each other without crossing the lines God has set before us. I often wish I could do more for him, but I can’t. The one thing I can do is to only go to him when I am truly in need of physical closeness. As I’ve dealt with my emotional stuff, I find I can tell when what I feel is real need or possibly just brought on by my own hormonal cycles. I also find that I am less needy than when I first moved in as my needs have been met in ways I never thought would happen and the needs I still have are usually met as they happen.

David and I have talked several times about his ability to not cross lines we shouldn’t, even when I am obviously willing to allow it to happen. It comes out of his respect for me as a person and for women in general. More than once David has told me about a movie clip he saw when he was flipping channels one day. He has no idea what the movie was, but he never forgot the scene he saw that day. As he flipped channels he stopped at a scene on a bus. A couple of girls were standing in the aisle for lack of a place to sit. In the seat next to one of the girls sat a man, who slid his hand up her skirt. She screamed, “He touched my holy of holies!”

David says that one scene brought home to him just how sacred that part of a woman is. It deepened his respect for that part of a woman in such a way as to give him a self-control, which few men, if any, have.

As I’ve dealt with the emotional baggage from my past, I’ve finally discovered a sense of self. When you grow up in an environment where you are made to feel everyone is more important than you and you are not allowed or taught to have sense of self, you become unsure of yourself. You may even find yourself trying to fit into whatever mold everyone tells you that you belong in. This in turn creates a lack of confidence in yourself in virtually every area of your life. Gaining a sense of who I really am has been one of the best things that could ever happen to me.

In addition to gaining a sense of self, I am finally beginning to understand self-respect. Abuse of any kind also teaches the victim that they do not deserve respect and therefore a victim of abuse does not learn to respect him or herself. I’ve been told at different times in my life that to respect others, you must first respect yourself. I never understood how to respect myself. As I’ve gained a sense of self, I’ve started to understand self-respect in ways, which were not possible till now.

I’ve also come to have a better understanding of one of the most basic principles of Christianity. For years, I’ve heard about the need as a Christian to die to self, but I never understood it. I always wondered about it and thought it impossible to do. As I’ve gained a sense of self, I’ve come to understand that to die to self; you must first have a sense of self. I know now that when the healing process in me is complete, I will be required of God to die to self. I also know that with my willingness to do so and God’s help; I will finally be able to do so.

The biggest and most difficult thing I’m learning is to forgive myself. Forgive myself for the mistakes in my distant past, such as marrying the wrong man and forgive myself for the mistakes in my immediate past, such as trying to be more physically involved with David than I should be. This is one of the hardest things to learn, as it is too easy to beat myself up for all the mistakes I’ve made in my life.  I have to learn to allow myself the same leniency I allow others when they make mistakes.

I also understand why God chose to use David to help me. David has fought the same battles I have and am still fighting; only he had to do a lot of it without human help. David tells me he came to a place where he wanted emotional healing so bad; he was willing to do virtually anything to get it. There was a woman, Patty, who helped him for a while. However, something went wrong between them and they haven’t spoken to each other for years now. David was for the better part of 10 years, on his own with his battles. I’ll admit I’m thankful I don’t have to do this alone. I couldn’t do this by myself.

I Was An Emotional Prostitute Part 56

Another nice thing is that I discovered that I like to cook. I’ve always liked to bake cookies and cakes, but never really liked to cook on the stove top in order to prepare a meal. Since being here, I’ve learned that cooking for someone you love and who gives you freedom to experiment can be a lot of fun. David has been a very willing “guinea pig” for some of my cooking experiments. When things didn’t turn out well, he never made me feel like I’d wasted anything for trying something new. In fact, he was always gentle about it when I made something that didn’t turn out as well as I’d hoped.

I eat healthier since coming here. I used to buy a lot of frozen entrees and since moving in, I haven’t eaten one of those things. I don’t miss them either. Also, I find that for the most part I’m less likely to eat everything in sight. Not that it hasn’t happened that way a few times. When it did, David gently brought it to my attention and made suggestions on how to cope, such as drinking lots of water. Although that doesn’t always work. Some days I just have to satisfy the craving or go nuts. David didn’t fully understand that at first, but he does now. In fact, at times it amuses him to watch me do so because he knows it means I’m being me.

Another thing is that I don’t crave milk the way I used to. At one time I could go through a gallon and a half of milk in a week, by myself. Now, if David and I go through half a gallon in a week, that’s a lot. This has made me realize just how much my milk cravings were intertwined with my emotional issues.

            Some of the changes that have happened have been in relation to my physical health. My headaches have generally decreased in frequency and severity. Not only that, but my skin seems to have cleared up finally. I used to get really nasty breakouts. Now I almost never get pimples.

            I’ve also realized that there are some people I’ve hurt and need to apologize to. At the time I hurt them, I either didn’t realize that what I was saying was so hurtful or didn’t want to admit to anyone, not even myself that what I’d done was wrong. I’d love to apologize to an ex-boyfriend for the way I treated him, unfortunately I have no idea where he is these days. I’ve tried looking him up on Facebook, but his name is common enough that’s it virtually impossible. I did however, write a note to my brother Mike, apologizing for something I said to him when we were children.

We were having an argument on the front porch one day. I got really angry with him and decided to say something mean and hurtful. I told him he was a bastard because our parents had separated and divorced before his birth. I had no idea at the time that the reality was that he was the result of a one-night stand our mother had while traveling from Idaho to Nevada to meet my father who was living there. Mother told me her divorce didn’t make him a bastard when she found out what I’d said.

Some changes I didn’t know what to make of at first. I started having a sense of “excited anticipation” every time I thought about Dorn. It was like nothing I’d ever experienced before. While I believe he will come back into my life at some point, I don’t know when. So when this feeling kept happening, I was puzzled. I finally talked to David about it one day. He told me that when a woman truly loves a man, he’s like the 4^th of July to her. Not only that, but in my case these feelings were truly coming to life in me for the first time, like a new flower coming up in the garden. This is a bit scary, as when Dorn does come back in my life, I will have to sit on these feelings until I know what will happen between us. That won’t be easy.

Another non-physical change has been in regards to a couple of besetting sins in my life. Because of the sexual abuse I went through, I was very promiscuous in my teen years. In addition to that I fought with masturbation for years. I prayed about these issues and asked God for help to keep from engaging in these activities, yet I repeatedly did anyway. It wasn’t until God used David to heal my heart that these problems came to an end. It’s been amazing to realize that these sins were tied up in my emotional issues and real deliverance from those sins happened as my heart was healed.

Some things about me haven’t changed. I still love a good rich cup of cocoa. Ice cream is still a favorite treat, although I now have to buy non-dairy ice cream, as is eating raw cookie dough, especially chocolate chip dough. I still admire Harley-Davidson motorcycles when I see one.