Can’t Teach Your Children?

            I recently had a conversation with a man I’ve known for most of my life in which he said that you can’t teach your children anything. To prove his point, he told a story about his daughter and teaching her to play piano.

            He’d hired a piano teacher for her and told the teacher that he not only wanted her to teach his daughter how to play, but he wanted the teacher to show his daughter how musical chords are built. Well, the teacher taught his daughter how to play, but when it became clear that she wouldn’t teach how musical chords are built, he fired her.

            He told the next piano teacher the same thing. He not only wanted her to teach his daughter how to play piano, but he wanted her to teach her how chords are built. She too, failed at the task.  About the time he was going to fire her, she came to him and said that she was moving. He was so grateful, that he let her stay on till she left.

            One day while he was at work, he came up with a way to show his daughter how to build the music chords, so he wrote it down and took it home. That night, he walks in and sees his daughter at the dining room table. He put the piece of paper down next to her, she looked up and said, “Dad! I’m doing my math homework.”

            He then goes into the other room, puts on headphones, and tunes up his guitar. When he’s finished tuning his guitar, he takes off the headphones and starts playing so that his daughter will hear him. After a few minutes she comes out and he’s able to get his point across about how musical chords are built.

            He ended his story by reiterating that you can’t teach your children anything.

            If I’d been thinking well at the time, I could have asked him who potty trained his daughter or taught her manners.

            I also could have proved him wrong on the spot, but I know he wouldn’t have listened to me and it would have caused unnecessary drama for me to do so.

            Here’s what he did wrong. Instead of respecting what his daughter was doing, homework, he insisted she pay attention to what he wanted to teach her. Had he respected what she was doing in the moment, she probably would have come to him on her own when she was done with her math homework and discussed the music chords he’d put in front of her.

            What he taught her in addition to the music chords, was that what she was doing was not as important as what he wanted to teach her right that minute. I find this ironic given that in the discussions we’ve had about education over the years, he’s made it clear that education is a high priority where he’s concerned. He even tried to convince his son to go for a Master’s degree after this young man had earned an A.A. while attending high school and getting straight “A’s” then going on to earn a Bachelor’s degree in his chosen field.

            So, because he had to “grab” his daughter’s attention and he couldn’t convince his son to get a Master’s degree, he thinks you can’t teach your children anything. He’s wrong. The moment we become a parent, we become our child’s first teacher.

            Think not? Think about this. Who teaches your child to walk? To talk? To go potty? Unless you can afford to hire a nanny or nurse, you do.

            There’s also the fact that we teach our children about how to live, even if only by example. For instance, when we hold our children and comfort them, we’re teaching them how to love and that we love them. I also read recently that babies who are comforted and held when they cry will better learn how to deal with their emotions than those who are allowed to “cry it out.” So, in essence, from the time they’re babies, how we take care of them teaches them how to handle things or not.

            Our children learn how to do so many things simply by watching what we do. I remember learning how to hold my silverware by observing how my parents held theirs.

            I know my son learned how to weed a garden by working side by side with me.

            More importantly, though, we teach our children about what to expect in life and relationships by how we behave.

            Think about this for a moment. If our children see parents who love each other and them, they’ll seek those kinds of relationships for themselves as they get older.

            If they see their parent’s abusing each other, chances are good they’ll be abusers or become victims of abusers in their own relationships.

            We also teach them basic life skills. Things like respecting other people. Good manners, such as “don’t talk with your mouth full” or “don’t cut in front of others.”

            Hopefully we teach them compassion by showing compassion for others. By this, I mean how do we treat those less fortunate than ourselves? Do we look down on them? Or do we offer them a kind word or a smile?

            We can’t ever forget that as parents, our children are watching everything we do and learning from us. We are their first example of how to conduct themselves in this world.

The Past Two Weeks

If you follow my blog, allow me to thank you for following me and to apologize for not writing one the last two weeks.

The last couple of weeks have been difficult. We were supposed to run errands one day, but I had some sort of stomach bug. I honestly felt at one point like I might run a fever, which is really unusual for me. I got over that pretty quickly as I actually stayed home in bed. Something I hate to do. My wonderful kitty, Rusty, spent the day in bed with me, so that made things more pleasant. Thankfully, I love to read and have plenty of good books to help pass the time.

After a couple of days, I knew I was better, so we decided to run our errands. That morning, I got online for something before we left, I don’t normally do that, but I did this time. While I was on the internet, I checked my e-mail.  

I received an e-mail with news that I knew was coming, but caused me grief, nonetheless. My grandmother, in this case, my maternal grandmother had died. She was 95 years old so it wasn’t totally unexpected, but it was still hard. She was a wonderful lady.

I know that when I was young, she allowed me and my then pregnant mother to live with her when she found it necessary to leave my father. We lived with her till mother married her second husband.

After we moved to another state, we would sometimes drive down to see her for a few days. I always enjoyed those times. She lived on a farm with her second husband, Carl. The food was always fresh (as far as I know) and there was a whole farm to explore.

But what made those visits really special was Grandma herself. The home cooked food she prepared and going into town with her for shopping. Not mention that back then her mother was still alive, so we always got to see her too.

My strongest memory of her involves mincemeat pie. If you’ve never heard of mincemeat pie, let me assure you that it is made with meat. Beef that’s been finely chopped to be exact. It also has raisins, apples, fruit juice, and spices.

I mentioned in passing that I’d like some mincemeat pie. The next day after dinner, Grandma brought a mincemeat pie to the table for dessert. I was thrilled. Then my youngest brother, Wayne, said, “I don’t like mincemeat pie.”

I said, “How you do you know? We’ve never tried it.”

Grandmother looked at me, eyes wide and mouth hanging open. “You’ve what?!”

I don’t remember what I said in return, but as I look back on this story, I think if I’d said, “You’ve never tried it . . .” I might have been safe. I enjoyed the pie, thankfully. I’ve had some since then, but none measure up to hers.

Also, I learned later that she’d stayed up half the night making it, which is why she was shocked at our reaction.

I feel blessed to have had her in my life for so long. Age wise, she outlived her own mother. I’m also thankful I got to be with her on her 95^th birthday. I had a feeling that trip would be the last time I would ever see her, but I hoped I was wrong.

I attended her funeral in Idaho, where she’d lived most if not all of her life and learned some interesting things about her. For instance, she was born prematurely and only weighed two (2) lbs. That kind of birth weight is a concern even today, so back then it was a literal miracle that she survived. She was a fighter from the beginning.

Even as she got older, she maintained her independence and fight till her body wouldn’t let her anymore. A former neighbor told us how after she quit driving, she would try to walk everywhere. In their little town, it’s possible to do that. One day, my grandmother started to go somewhere and she walked through the neighbor’s yard. The neighbor saw her going and offered her a ride. Grandma refused, saying she’d walk. A while later, the neighbor looked out to see Grandma sitting down. She went out and Grandma admitted that she needed the ride.

Another thing I learned about her was that if she liked you, you became family, regardless of blood. I’d kind of seen that in action with one of her caregivers when I visited her for her 95^th birthday, but I hadn’t realized just how many people she considered family till I met a couple of them on this trip.

There was a lovely couple, husband and wife, who’d bought Grandma’s duplex, then allowed her to live there rent free. While they were working on the other side of the duplex, as it needed some serious work done due to prior tenants, Grandma would come over and visit. They quickly became family.

There were other stories, but I don’t remember them all. I’m just grateful that she had such wonderful people around her during her last days on earth.

I think the hardest part of her death, for me, was the realization that she was literally my last living grandparent. I wouldn’t have wanted to die before her as she’d already suffered the loss of one grandchild, my brother, Wayne, but it’s still hard to know that never again will I call someone “Grandma” or “Grandpa.”

The Modern Women’s Liberation/Feminist Movement Part II

Continued from last week.

One of the worst for me was a man I dated and planned to marry after we’d gone through our church mandated pre – engagement counseling. IN essence, he’s the perfect example of why so many women are frustrated.

When we dated, he controlled a lot of our relationship. For instance, he didn’t like me to wear jeans, even though I find them to be comfortable and practical. If my hair was too short, he pouted at me. Worse than that though, was his refusal to listen to me when I expressed my needs or desires.

For example, if I needed a new purse he’d buy me one, but it had to fit his idea of what my purse should be. If I found one I liked, he’d insist I hand to it him for inspection. He was paying for it so I didn’t feel that I could or should argue. If it didn’t have enough pockets to be “organized,” he’d insist I put it back.

When we went engagement ring shopping, we saw a lovely ring with a round solitaire stone that had a gold leaf extending out one side to cover the wedding band. I tried to tell him that although it was a lovely ring, it didn’t fit my sense of style. He insisted that it was the perfect ring because when I married him, I’d be “turning over a new leaf” in my life. I think now that if we’d married, I’d have either tried to find a way to lose the ring or at least lose the leaf. The stone wasn’t what I wanted either.

There was also his habit of reaching over to tickle my butt in public. When I objected, he’d remind me that I laughed. Well, yes, I did. It’s a natural reaction to being tickled. That still didn’t mean I wanted him tickling my butt in public.

The worst part for me was that everyone around us thought he was so perfect for me. I couldn’t convince anyone otherwise.

We didn’t become sexually involved till after I moved into my own apartment for the first time. Unfortunately, he wasn’t the most considerate of lovers. I’m sure he didn’t know how, but I also didn’t feel like he’d listen to me if I tried to tell him how to please me. I got proof of that one night.

The mattress on our bed had a tendency to shift to one side during sex. I have no idea why. One night it shifted so far that I was seriously afraid we’d roll off the bed and into the dresser not more than two feet away. When I informed him our precarious position, his response was to tell me he was almost there and could I hang in there a little longer?

What the hell? I was seriously scared that if we rolled off the bed we’d have to go to the hospital, which would mean explaining to the church and my family what we’d been doing.

Then there was the time I was living back at my mother’s house after a live in job that hadn’t worked out. We were having sex in the bedroom I shared with another woman who wasn’t home at the time. My mother’s dogs started barking like crazy about something. I told him I thought we should get dressed and check on the dogs as I was worried they’d wake my mother’s husband who worked nights and slept days. He said they’d be fine. The next thing we knew my mother’s husband nearly walked in on us. Thankfully he had the presence of mind to get up and hold the door closed.

I could go on about his lack of listening to me in situations where it really mattered, but I won’t. He’s also not the only one to treat me that way.

My son’s father once complained because I was too tired to have sex with him. He said, “I always have energy for you.”

I looked at him and thought, “yeah, but you’re not in the later stages of pregnancy in the summer heat!”

The last guy I dated once made me feel guilty because I didn’t want to have sex with him one night. I’d had a rough day. I’d woken up with a headache, but had sex with him that morning in hopes that it would help me too. It didn’t. On top of that, I had to drive several miles to pick up my then young son, then drive several miles back to his apartment to be with him that night. Then when I didn’t want to have sex with him that night, he got out of bed and went over to his computer while I cried quietly.

He did apologize the next morning. He told me that he’d realized that I’d given what I had to give that morning.

So, it’s no wonder to me that women are still screaming about women’s rights. It’s no wonder to me that the signs have gotten so graphic. Women are angry. We feel like we’re not being listened to no matter how we speak.

I used to talk loudly to be heard or repeat myself a lot because I often knew I wasn’t being listened to. Over the last 15 years or so my voice has gotten quieter because I knew my roommate was truly listening to me.  Now I need to talk loudly again; possibly even scream. Only this time, it’s not just for me. It’s for all women who feel their voices aren’t heard by the very people who should be listening to them.

For too long we’ve been treated as if what we need, as if our comfort level is second to everyone else’s. The result is that too many of us can’t even do self-care beyond basic hygiene because we’re made to feel guilty if we try to do something purely for ourselves. It’s past time for that attitude to stop. It’s past time for women to feel free to take time to themselves while their men take on their normal jobs. Its past time for the attitude that “boys will be boys” is gone. Its past time for the idea that women who are raped or assaulted either brought it on themselves or that they’re crazy. Or worse yet, not believed because the man involved is a “good” man or holds power over someone.

We need to find our voices and keep talking till we get what we need. Till we’re no longer treated as if we’re a bitch for asking for what a man in the same position would be given. Till we’re treated as if what we need matters and that we’re not wrong for trying to take care of ourselves before we drop from exhaustion or lose our minds because we can no longer do everything that’s expected of us without a break.

I didn’t join in this year’s women’s march as I didn’t understand the fight we still face. Now that I do, I will consider joining in next year’s march. I may even make and wear a pink vagina hat.

The Modern Women’s Liberation/Feminist Movement Part I

            I’ve seen signs on Facebook that people aren’t happy about the continuing Women’s Rights movement. They say things like “well, we’re not under Sharia law,” or “why are they protesting? They have it good here.”

            Not only that, the signs that women are waving have gotten pretty graphic in their depiction and words about parts of the body that are normally considered private. Then there’s the pink “pussy hats.” Frankly, I think they look more like cat’s ears sticking up.

            So here’s how I see things. Yes, we have a lot of rights that women in other countries don’t have. Thankfully, we don’t live under Sharia law. However, we aren’t always respected as people.

            This shows in a myriad of ways, but most prominently in the sexual arena. Think about it. How many women have started speaking up about sexual harassment and/or abuse in the work place? A lot of the women are talking about things that happened to them years ago because if they’d spoken up then, one of three things would have happened:

1.      They wouldn’t have been believed.

2.      Even if they’d been believed, they would have been treated as if they’d brought this on themselves – i.e., what were you wearing, how did you behave, etc.

3.      They would have been gas lighted – treated as if they were crazy.

As much as I hate to say this, these attitudes haven’t changed much in recent years. Women who are sexually harassed, assaulted, or abused are still likely to run up against these attitudes.

Even if the women manage to persist, file charges, go to court, and the man is actually convicted of his crime, what kind of sentence will he receive? As we all know, in the infamous case of Brock Turner, the Stanford student, he received a six month sentence of which he served only three months. That’s adding insult to the injuries he caused his victim. Hopefully, the judge who gave him such a lenient sentence will be removed from his position.

The only case that’s happened recently in which I really believe the man got what he deserved was the gymnastics doctor who was abusing the athletes in his care. Unfortunately though, I’ve seen something about some men saying the judge was mean for sentencing him to 175 years. Cases where these types of sentences are handed down are rare because too often the men who commit these crimes wield a lot of power.

By power, I mean men like Weinsten who had the power to make or break young actress’ careers if they didn’t do what he wanted. I realize that a lot of people say those women shouldn’t have done what they did to get their careers. Unfortunately, if they hadn’t, some other young woman would have.

I think men who abuse a woman that way, ought to be castrated. That might give them some idea of the damage their actions did to their victims.

It’s not just the sexual harassment and abuse, though. There are other ways in which we’re disrespected as women. I’ve read of women doing the same jobs as men and asking for what the men get. The men generally only need to ask once. A woman has to ask more than once and is considered a “bitch” or “difficult to work with” for doing so.

Even worse, though are the people in our daily lives who we should be able to trust. Our families, friends, and when we’re in school the personnel who work in those schools. Often times, though, experience teaches us that we won’t be listened to.

I was teased and bullied a lot during elementary school. Talking to the people in charge did absolutely no good. They all told me to ignore the ones teasing me or avoid them if at all possible. There was no effort made to deal with the kids who teased or bullied me.

In junior high, I went to summer camp with the church youth. Someone in the group owned a motor boat that we could ski behind. That summer, someone brought a round disk that had a place for a water ski handle so someone could lay flat on the disk and be towed around the water. I thought that looked like fun, so I got in line. It was fun. At first. Pretty soon he was driving the boat so fast that I was being bounced hard on the water. It was like doing numerous belly flops in a swimming pool, one after the other with no real break until I let go of the disk.

When I let go of the disk, he circled back and asked me what was wrong. I told him he was going too fast and that I felt like I was being bounced to the point I was afraid my insides were going to be bounced out. He told me that wasn’t possible. He wasn’t going any faster than he’d been told was safe. I don’t remember how many times I let go of that disk, then when he circled back and questioned me, I told him the same thing. If I’d had the confidence in my swimming abilities, I’d have swum back to the dock instead of riding that disk again.

A few minutes after we got back, he came over to me and apologized. He’d learned that he really had been going too fast.

More on this subject next week.