I Was An Emotional Prostitute Part 13

I didn’t expect real change in 30 days. I know better. I think at some level, I was hoping against hope that my letter would be the kick in the ass he needed to start being a better husband. Unfortunately, it was as my friends foretold. We continued with the marital counseling, but now we split the sessions between us. It didn’t make any difference.

There was an incident during this period, which illustrates just how bad our marriage was. During our separation we would get together on weekends to spend time together and hopefully keep our marriage intact. One week we made tentative plans to go to the mountains and play in the snow. Something I love to do. The coat I had was getting worn out and I’d also gained too much weight for it to really fit properly. I had planned to wait till I had cash to buy a new coat, but with the upcoming possibility of a trip to the mountains, I decided to use a store credit card. When I got to the apartment that Friday, Pat told me he liked my coat. Then he told me he’d thought I was going to wait till I had cash before buying a new coat. He said it in such a way as to make me feel like I had done something wrong in buying a coat I really needed. It wasn’t like I’d bought a piece of jewelry or a pair of dress shoes, for goodness sake.

During the evening he told me we wouldn’t be able to go to the mountains the next day so I assumed we’d be spending Saturday together just hanging out or whatever. When I awoke the next morning, I had a really bad headache from grinding my teeth in my sleep. That’s when he chose to tell me he’d made other plans, which didn’t include me. I was welcome to stay and sleep until I felt well enough to leave. That hurt. I felt like he’d kicked me when I was already down.

During our separation, we came to a point where we knew a decision had to be made. I told him that whether or not our marriage was over was up to him. He told me he didn’t want to decide till after the holidays. I said, “Fine.”

I originally planned to wait till after the New Year to ask, but instead, I asked him a couple of days after Christmas. I wanted to know how I would be ringing in the New Year. Would it be as a married woman or a woman on the verge of divorce? That’s when I learned it was officially over between us. I told him he’d have to file and pay for it, as I wanted nothing to do with that. Even though I’d seen it coming and had time to prepare for it emotionally, it still hurt like hell once I got past being numb.

Our divorce was very simple. When we separated, I took what belonged to me, including my bills and left. There were only two bills that we had both signed for, a car loan and a bank loan. I took the car, so I took the payment book with me. I left him the bank loan because when we had borrowed the money, it was intended for a purpose for which it never got used. When I suggested giving it back untouched, he refused.

If I’d wanted to, I probably could have been really nasty during our divorce. Given that I’d supported Pat while he went to college, I probably could have sued him for that. However, all I really wanted was to get out and be done with it. I didn’t care about fighting him over money anymore. Besides, I’m not sure he would have ever paid.

I realize now that when he married me, he got a woman to have monogamous sex with and someone to do his laundry, cook his meals, and wash the dishes. Me? I got shafted. I did the best I knew how to be a good wife and got nothing in return.

A few years after our divorce a friend of his brought me some film from our marriage, which he was supposed to have had developed and hadn’t. I looked at it and said, “One more promise he didn’t keep.” He never paid me for having the developing done either.

The only things I took, which I felt belonged to him, even though they were purchased during our marriage were some Disney videos. When my mother helped me pack up the last of my belongings, she insisted we take them. I tried to tell her, “no” but she would not listen and I was so drained emotionally, I didn’t have the strength to fight her.

She also opened up the front closet and looked in the boxes in there despite my telling her to stay out of there. The reason I didn’t want her getting into the closet was that we had put some pornographic magazines in there. I wasn’t real happy with her for that but did not have the strength to chew her out or to tell her the truth. You see, I told her that they were Pat’s magazines and basically implied that I hadn’t read them, even though I had. I realize now, that at least for me, reading those was a vicarious way of seeking the love and sexual satisfaction I craved, but was not getting in my marriage.

When he married me, he got a woman to have monogamous sex with and someone to do his laundry, cook his meals, and wash the dishes. Me? I got shafted. I did the best I knew how to be a good wife and got nothing in return.