Another time there was to be a family
portrait in which mother arranged for me and Mike and Danice to get together
with her and Bill and Wayne. At the last minute she didn’t feel good so the
session was cancelled. I was under the impression at the time that she was
going to arrange another time for all of us to get together for a family photo.
Instead, several weeks later, I
received a photo of her with Bill and Wayne. When I asked her about the fact
that she didn’t try to arrange for the rest of us to be there, she said it was
“too much trouble” to try to get us all together a second time.
I don’t think she has any idea how
that made me feel. I don’t know what Mike and Danice thought, but I know I felt
like even though I’m her daughter, I didn’t matter enough for her to try to
arrange for me to be part of a “family” photo. I don’t put that photo on
display either. It reminds me that it was “too much trouble” to try to get us
all together a second time.
There was another incident involving
Grandma Mary that happened when I was in my teens, if I remember correctly.
Grandma had written to me and offered me a table, which, if memory serves, had
once belonged to Grandma Jensen. A day or two after I received the letter,
mother was talking to her on the phone and Grandma Mary offered her the same
table. I happened to overhear her. I got her attention and told her that I
thought I had been offered the same table. She mentioned it to Grandma Mary and
learned that she had indeed offered me the same table, but forgotten that she
had done so. When I said that I hadn’t had a chance to write her back to tell
her that I wanted that table, mother in essence told me, “Tough! She wanted the
table and she was going to keep it.”
It didn’t matter that I had been
offered the table first and in writing and therefore, technically had the right
of first acceptance or refusal. She didn’t care that I wanted the table. All
she cared about was herself.
Mother also stole some money from me.
Before I went to see my Father for the first time, I gave her a check. It was
made out to her and she was to use the money to buy some fabric, which would be
on sale while I was gone. During that time, she made a mistake balancing her
checkbook and found herself in danger of bouncing a check or two. She took my money and used it to
cover her mistake. When I confronted
her about it, she told me she couldn’t call me, as I didn’t leave a phone
number for her. So what was she supposed to do? Bounce a check and pay the
fees? I told her it was her mistake and therefore her problem and that by
taking my money like she had, she’d made it my problem.
I don’t remember ever receiving an
apology, although she did buy the fabric, at full price. The only good thing I
can say about this is that she pulled a similar stunt on Wayne. She’s lucky
neither of us pressed charges on her for stealing.
As my 33rd birthday
approached, mother asked me for a list of things I wanted for my birthday. When
I opened my present from her, it had nothing to do with what I had put on my
list. If I remember correctly I had asked for a few music cassette tapes I
really wanted. Instead she gave me a sheet of Looney tunes cartoon stamps and a
pair of silver beaded earrings, which she had made. When I asked her why, she
said she’d decided to do what she wanted to do. It made me wonder why
she bothered getting a list from me.
Although I enjoy watching Looney
tunes cartoons, I had no desire to collect anything to do with
Looney tunes. As for the earrings, yes they were nice they just weren’t
anything I wanted. I never used the stamps because they were collector’s items.
I sold them for a profit at a yard sale. As for the earrings, I eventually gave
them to a cross-dressing friend of mine who fell in love with them the instant he saw
them.
There have been a couple of years
when I told her I didn’t want my birthday acknowledged in any way, yet she
persisted in doing something for me anyway. Because she wanted to do
something for me on my birthday. One year I even told her the only way I would
allow her to have a party for me was if she could guarantee a particular
person’s presence. I knew she couldn’t do that, but it didn’t stop her from
doing what she wanted anyway.
Then there was my 38th
birthday. Mother offered to take me to one of my favorite restaurants for
dessert. She was supposed to pick up Caleb and me at 2:00 p.m. on my birthday.
I was in the garage helping David with something when I heard her car, a VW
Beetle. I walked out to go upstairs and wash my hands just in time to watch her
drive up the hill past our house. I knew she had to be going to the hardware
store up the street, but I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe
she got lost in thought and missed the turn. I told David that if she wasn’t
back within five minutes, I wouldn’t go with her. Approximately 15 minutes
later she came up the drive. When I asked her where she’d gone, she told me I’d
see. I told her I wasn’t going with her.
She got upset with me and said she
was only five minutes late until I informed her that she was more than five
minutes late. Then she handed me my birthday card with a lump in it saying that
when I looked inside, I’d understand why she did it. I opened it and glanced at
her idea of a gift. I thanked her and said it was cute. However, I don’t
understand why she thinks giving a gift is more important than keeping her
commitment to be where she says she will on time. Then to make matter worse,
she excused herself by saying she wasn’t perfect. That seems to be one of her
favorite excuses for her behavior even though I have never asked her to be
perfect.
All I was asking her to do was keep
her commitment to me or accept responsibility for her failure to do so. If she
had stopped and said that she wanted to run up to the hardware store for a
quick minute, I would have said ok. But to watch her drive by without so much
as a “by your leave” was too much. Then to really top things off, she reminded
me I had a lid for a bin I had given her. When I went in to get it for her, she
followed me and proceeded to sit down and make an unwelcome guest of herself
for the next hour and a half or so. The only reason I didn’t throw her out was
I didn’t want to make a scene in front of Caleb. After all, he doesn’t know her
the way I do and he adores his grandma. Sometimes I wish I could disown her
completely. My life would be easier.
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