By the time I left that meeting I was
convinced that I needed to move as soon as possible. Steve and Bill did offer
to help me in any way they could, including helping me find a low rent place I
could afford. How moving was going to be possible, I didn’t know, so I put a
“fleece” before the Lord. I told Him that if He wanted me to move, He’d have to
open the doors for me to do so. Especially because of the debt load I carried. I
checked into low-income housing online and found out I qualified, however, when
I called to see if applications were being accepted I got a recording telling
me to call back in three months. I guess that was a pretty good sign that I
wasn’t to move just then.
I didn’t fully realize until a few
days later that I walked out of that meeting with chains on my soul. The
requirement that I move before Steve would dedicate my son to the Lord was and
is unfair to me. Jesus never denied a blessing to anyone during His time here
on earth because of the sin in his or her life. So, I don’t understand why
Steve thought he had the right to deny me that. I also learned from a friend
that getting approved for low income housing and finding it are two different
things. She told me that even with approval, it wasn’t always possible to find
a place.
This situation made it difficult to
want to go to church. It was difficult to sit there week after week and listen
to a man preach, who is unwilling to see that God works in ways we don’t always
understand or agree with. This was the first time in my life that I have ever
felt like I knew better what God’s will was for me than the pastor. I’ve been
taught to respect church authority and so for me to basically disobey my
pastor’s wishes felt weird, even though I was sure in my heart that I was doing
what God wanted me to.
I talked to Steve after the meeting
and told him I’d made effort towards moving out, but he didn’t respond. I tried
calling Section 8 housing at the times specified, but to no avail. Whenever I
tried to call about getting an application for low income housing, I got a
recording telling me the mailbox was full and that if I knew the extension I
wanted, I could enter it or wait for a list of people. Given that I didn’t know
who would be the appropriate person to talk to and I wasn’t in a position to
write down an extension or punch it in, I always had to hang up.
I’ll admit I had no real desire to
move either. I’d had to be independent for so many years just to survive, that
to be living with someone who can be and is a big help to me, is very nice. It
has taken me a few years to learn how to give up my independence and I don’t
want it back. I was extremely tired of having only myself to lean on. If I had
to move out without getting married, I would have had to regain some of the
independence I no longer wanted and fought so hard to lose. Even if I moved in
with another woman for a roommate, I would have still had to become more
independent. I want and need to stay at David’s house because of the way he
helps me. The only way I could do better than that, is if I was married.
The saddest part of this is that I
resent the way I was treated in this situation and because I feel like there is
nothing I can do about it, I resent Steve and Bill, the elder I went to for
help. Not only that, but every time I get near Steve for any reason, even in
passing, I can feel the walls he erected. It hurts.
I have come to realize that in
Steve’s eyes, my efforts weren’t good enough. He wasn’t willing to do the
dedication until either I move out or God tells him to. I’m not so sure he
wouldn’t fight it if he felt God telling him to dedicate my son to Him while I
still live here.
Now I can’t lay all the blame for my
lack of desire to go to church at Steve’s feet. There’s my mother who also
attended the church. Her marriage is in such poor shape, she clings to Caleb
and me every chance she gets. Not to mention the fact that I would rather not
see her at all, if that were possible. Which it wasn’t, so I just tried to
avoid talking to her.
There were other problems at church
as well. I came to realize that there were people in the church who judged me
for living with David without being married to him. The sad part is that no one
ever came to me and asked me why I’d found it necessary to move in with him and
no one ever offered to help me out other than Steve and Bill.
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