As I become healed emotionally, I
find myself more desirous of cuddling with David and needing less of the
intimate moments with him. I’m also more inclined to give love to David and to
try to find ways to spoil him a little during our most intimate moments. He
told me more than once that I’ve done things for him, which no one else had. I
touched him in ways that no other woman had and done other little things in an
effort to show my desire for him and my appreciation of him, which he had never
experienced. We always keep things where they belong, in the sense that no
matter how much we may want to, we don’t have intercourse. I know that in some
ways this has been harder on David than me. I can come away from our physically
intimate encounters fairly satisfied, whereas he cannot be completely satisfied
as we cannot give ourselves as completely to each other as we wish to
sometimes. David is an amazing man in that respect. We can be very intimate
with each other without crossing the lines God has set before us. I often wish
I could do more for him, but I can’t. The one thing I can do is to only go to
him when I am truly in need of physical closeness. As I’ve dealt with my
emotional stuff, I find I can tell when what I feel is real need or possibly
just brought on by my own hormonal cycles. I also find that I am less needy
than when I first moved in as my needs have been met in ways I never thought
would happen and the needs I still have are usually met as they happen.
David and I have talked several times
about his ability to not cross lines we shouldn’t, even when I am obviously
willing to allow it to happen. It comes out of his respect for me as a person
and for women in general. More than once David has told me about a movie clip
he saw when he was flipping channels one day. He has no idea what the movie was,
but he never forgot the scene he saw that day. As he flipped channels he
stopped at a scene on a bus. A couple of girls were standing in the aisle for
lack of a place to sit. In the seat next to one of the girls sat a man, who
slid his hand up her skirt. She screamed, “He touched my holy of holies!”
David says that one scene brought
home to him just how sacred that part of a woman is. It deepened his respect
for that part of a woman in such a way as to give him a self-control, which few
men, if any, have.
As I’ve dealt with the emotional
baggage from my past, I’ve finally discovered a sense of self. When you grow up
in an environment where you are made to feel everyone is more important than
you and you are not allowed or taught to have sense of self, you become unsure
of yourself. You may even find yourself trying to fit into whatever mold
everyone tells you that you belong in. This in turn creates a lack of
confidence in yourself in virtually every area of your life. Gaining a sense of
who I really am has been one of the best things that could ever happen to me.
In addition to gaining a sense of
self, I am finally beginning to understand self-respect. Abuse of any kind also
teaches the victim that they do not deserve respect and therefore a victim of
abuse does not learn to respect him or herself. I’ve been told at different
times in my life that to respect others, you must first respect yourself. I
never understood how to respect myself. As I’ve gained a sense of self, I’ve
started to understand self-respect in ways, which were not possible till now.
I’ve also come to have a better
understanding of one of the most basic principles of Christianity. For years,
I’ve heard about the need as a Christian to die to self, but I never understood
it. I always wondered about it and thought it impossible to do. As I’ve gained
a sense of self, I’ve come to understand that to die to self; you must first
have a sense of self. I know now that when the healing process in me is
complete, I will be required of God to die to self. I also know that with my
willingness to do so and God’s help; I will finally be able to do so.
The biggest and most difficult thing
I’m learning is to forgive myself. Forgive myself for the mistakes in my
distant past, such as marrying the wrong man and forgive myself for the
mistakes in my immediate past, such as trying to be more physically involved
with David than I should be. This is one of the hardest things to learn, as it
is too easy to beat myself up for all the mistakes I’ve made in my life. I have to learn to allow myself the same
leniency I allow others when they make mistakes.
I also understand why God chose to
use David to help me. David has fought the same battles I have and am still
fighting; only he had to do a lot of it without human help. David tells me he
came to a place where he wanted emotional healing so bad; he was willing to do
virtually anything to get it. There was a woman, Patty, who helped him for a
while. However, something went wrong between them and they haven’t spoken to
each other for years now. David was for the better part of 10 years, on his own
with his battles. I’ll admit I’m thankful I don’t have to do this alone. I couldn’t
do this by myself.
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