I Was An Emotional Prostitute Part 20

The tension between her and I might have gone on indefinitely if not for an incident that occurred when I stopped by one night. The moment I walked in, I saw a lovely painting on the wall that was mostly obscured by a statuette of an owl. I teasingly said, “Why’d you put the owl in front of the painting?”

            He shrugged as he said, “I don’t know,” then he handed me a hammer and said, “but, if you can find another place for the owl go ahead.”

            As I took the hammer from him, I heard Debbie say, “Not that again. We’ve already gone round about it once tonight. Leave it alone.”
            I ignored her, but inwardly I seethed. “How dare she tell me what to do?! This isn’t her house!”

            I knew then that I needed to talk to Dorn privately. I called him and arranged a time to see him alone.

            When I walked into his house, he said he needed to work on something while we talked. I followed him to a computer he’d set up in a room off the living room. He brought a chair in for me and I sat. I asked him how he’d felt about what happened between Debbie and I a few nights prior.

            He told me he’d noticed and he’d made it clear to her when she left that night that she was out of line. He then told me that he’d given her a key to his house so that she could come and go as she pleased and that she took care of his dog if he needed to be gone. That when they said “good night,” she often kissed him. I became jealous, but hid it as best I could.

He also said he saw what was going on between us and that if open war broke out between us, he’d lock up the house and disappear so that no one could find him. We talked a little while longer. When I left that evening, I felt gratified that he’d told Debbie she’d been out of line for ordering me around as she’d tried to do. I also decided I needed to back away for a few weeks. I knew if I stuck around, things would just get worse. I figured it was better to find other things to do till I could either handle being around both of them without wanting to throw her out or worse. So, I went to work, then found other things to do while I tried to work out how best to deal with her presence without driving him away.

            A few weeks later, I called him to see how he was. He asked me why I hadn’t been around. I told him I’d been busy. I wish I’d told him the reason wasn’t that “I was busy,” but that I thought it best to back away rather than risk driving him away. I was afraid if I did that though, he’d think I was more interested in him than I could even admit to myself. I asked him how Debbie was doing.

            “Why?” He said, suspiciously.

            “Oh, just curious.” I said. He told me that he’d taken his house key back and she’d quit coming around or returning his calls. I was thrilled. I could now go back to seeing him without fear of running into her.

            I got back into the habit of going to his house after work. After a while, he started asking me about my feelings for him. He was offering to help me out, but I told him that he couldn’t. I had to learn how to deal with my feelings for him on my own. I sometimes wish I’d asked him how he thought he could help, but I think I was afraid to.

            I was visiting another friend one day when I recounted a conversation with Dorn to him. I said that I’d told Dorn that I wanted to see his marriage come back together, regardless of how it affected me. He looked at me and said, “You really love him don’t you?”

            I just stared at him as my jaw hit the ground. “I what?! I love him?”

            I walked out of his house with my head spinning. Over the next three days, it sunk in. I’d fallen in love with Dorn. The part that really surprised me though, was that in the past when I’d “fallen in love” with someone, it was because we’d had a sexual relationship. Dorn and I had never done anything more than hug, except for the one time I kissed him on the cheek for his birthday. 

The hardest part of that was that I couldn’t have him not only because of his marriage, but because he’d told me that he didn’t see us ever getting together as more than friends. Unfortunately, the heart wants what it wants.

A few weeks after I realized that I’d fallen in love with him, I knew that I needed to cut our friendship off. Not because I wanted to, but because I knew that the more I hung out with him, the more I’d want him. The more I wanted him, the harder it would be for me to contain my feelings.

I went to his house one last time and told him that I was cutting off our friendship. I didn’t tell him I was afraid my feelings would overwhelm me and that I’d do something we’d both regret, but rather that I had other emotional baggage to deal with and I couldn’t handle how I felt about him, too. He tried to talk me out of it. It would have been so easy to let him do so, but I knew it’d be dangerous for both of us if I did.

As I drove away that night, I had to hold back tears for fear of not being able to see properly. I didn’t know if I’d ever see him or have any contact with him again.

I Was An Emotional Prostitute Part 19

A day or two later, I got home from work, exhausted. I took a short nap, then looked in the fridge for dinner. Seeing nothing interesting, I decided to go out. Before I left, I called Dorn. When he learned it was me on the phone, he started laughing as he told me that he’d been about to call me. Then he said, “What’s up?”

I said, “I’m going to Wendy’s for dinner as there’s nothing interesting here.” He suggested meeting me there so the two of us could have dinner together. I dashed into my room, changed into my favorite sweater and matching earrings, then ran out the door. When I pulled into the Wendy’s parking lot, he was already there, which surprised me as he lived further away than I did. As I pulled into a parking spot, I saw his face partially in profile. I thought, “How in the world did I miss the fact that his nose is so big?”

He got out of his vehicle as I got out of mine. The first thing he said to me when he got a good look was, “When did you grow up?”

I smiled and said, “I tried to tell you.” He suggested another restaurant, so we got in his truck and went. As we ate, I learned that he wasn’t divorced, but rather separated from his wife.

After dinner he drove me back to my car. We talked for a few more minutes, then as I was about to unlock my car door, he said, “How about a hug?”

I said, “Really? I wasn’t sure you’d want one.”

“We’re friends aren’t we?” So, we hugged, then got in our cars to go home.

We met for breakfast as planned a couple of days later, then spent the day “bumming” as he called it. That meant that we visited a lot of antique shops to window shop. I found a little vase I wanted, but didn’t have the $2 in cash, so I was going to write a check. As I started to do so, Dorn stopped me, while pulling his wallet out. He paid for it with cash.

We talked on the phone almost daily after that. One night he invited me to his house for dinner. I started dropping in on him one or two nights a week after that, maybe more. If I’d known then what was going to happen, I might not have dropped in so much.

            I’d sit on his couch or in a chair and we’d talk. We talked about life, his marriage, our jobs, just whatever occurred to us. If I wasn’t at his house, we frequently talked on the phone. During one conversation he said, “What’s the first thing you do when you go out the door?”

I said, “Open the door.”

            He said, “No, you decide to go.” I had to laugh, but I realized that he was correct. The decision comes before the action.

            One night I drove to his house and saw a strange car parked in front. I slowed down to see if I could get a look at who was with him. As I drove by, I saw a heavy set figure with long hair. I figured it was probably his wife, so I should leave them alone in hopes they were working things out.

            As I drove away, I realized that the woman in the window couldn’t be his wife. I’d seen a picture of the two of them together and the woman I’d just seen was too heavy and her hair was too long. So, I drove back, parked, and then walked up to his door with my stomach in knots. He opened the door, raised his brows, and then stepped back for me to enter.

            As I entered the house, he introduced me to the woman I’d seen as I drove by the first time, Debbie.     We acknowledged each other and he told me that he’d run into her while doing errands. They’d gone to high school together. Things were okay between us at first, but not for long. It seemed that every time I dropped in on Dorn, she was always there. I actually started making it a point to stay till she left for the evening as that was the only way I got to talk to him privately.

            One night when we were all there, he started working on a computer he’d put in the living room. I asked him about fancy fonts for a project I had in mind. He typed something up in a few different fonts, printed it out then handed it to me to look at. As I stood there looking at the paper, Debbie stretched out her hand and told me to let her have it. I was basically done looking at it, but her attitude rubbed me wrong, so I continued to look at it a bit longer before complying.

            At this point I knew I was interested in him, but he was still married and no matter what I felt for him, I respected his marriage vows. However, it soon became clear that she was also interested in him.

            One day, Dorn told me he was having a barbeque at his house. He was expecting lots of people, so I baked a huge cake. Only me, Debbie, her sister and her sister’s daughter showed up. We decided to play Frisbee in the yard as Dorn’s house had a nice big yard. It started out well enough, but pretty soon the Frisbee was only being thrown from me to Dorn or Debbie to Dorn, etc. Dorn would throw it to someone else, but if one of us got it, we always threw it to him.

I Was An Emotional Prostitute Part 18

When I was about 12 years old, mother took us to her friend, Liz’s house to stay for a few days. Liz had three children herself, two boys and one girl, so we had company. Turns out Liz’s 18 year old nephew was staying there, too. I took one look at him and had a crush on him. At first, I just kind of hung out near him. Then, as I felt safer, I’d talk to him. To him, I was just the daughter of his aunt’s friend.

From then on, if we were going to Liz’s house, I hoped he’d be there. As we’d get closer to her house, I’d crane my neck to look out the car window just in case he happened to be moving around outside. Not that he ever was, but hope dies hard.

He joined the army at some point and became a helicopter pilot. One night, I couldn’t sleep for some reason. Dorn was up ironing his uniform for the next day so, I got up then walked over to where he was. He looked at me and said, “What’s up?”

I told him I couldn’t sleep, so he invited me to sit at the table while he finished ironing his uniform. As I sat there, he talked with me like I was a person, not a young girl who belonged in bed. He told me stories about being an army helicopter pilot such as how when flying one day, he and his co-pilot “copped a case of the munchies” as he put it, so they checked the area. There was a Dunkin’ Donuts nearby and they could see that there was room to land and no one would get hurt, so they landed. They ran over to the shop, bought some snacks, then got back in the air. What they didn’t count on was being caught on radar. When they got back to the base, they had to report to the commander’s office.

He also told me that when the men were in the desert, they often wore nothing more than a pair of sunglasses because it was so hot. There were no women there at the time, so that wasn’t an issue. I looked at him with my jaw on the table and said, “Really?”

“Yep. No one else around for miles, so why not?” I just shook my head as I tried to imagine that.

The last time I saw Dorn at Liz’s house, he’d recently gotten out of the army. I was dating Danny. My crush on him hadn’t abated, so I did what I could to be in his presence, even though Danny had come with us. As I sat on the floor in front of the couch where he was sitting, I looked up at him and realized he was very different from the man I’d met a few short years ago. His hair was longer for starters. The thing that really showed how much he’d changed though, was when Danny presented me with a bracelet. He claimed it had been made by “Speidel.”

Something about the bracelet didn’t look right for a Speidel product, so I flipped it over. On the back was stamped “Avon.” I looked up and said, “This was made by ‘Avon.’”

Danny looked at Dorn then said, “She can read!”

They laughed like it was some big joke. I looked at Dorn and thought, “What happened to the kind, respectful man I used to know?”

I never did figure that out. When we left that day, I eventually forgot about him as Liz moved her little family half way across the country for several years. We did get word at one point that Dorn was in the hospital and they weren’t sure he was going to live, but he did.

Years later, I arrived home from a long day at work to find another car parked in my usual spot. After parking on the street, I walked up to the house to see a heavyset figure standing in front of the sliding glass door with their back to it.

When I opened the door, the person turned around. To my surprise, it was Dorn’s aunt Liz. I walked in, put my stuff in my room, and then started talking to her. During the course of our conversation, she mentioned that Dorn was living in a town nearby. I asked how he was doing. While she answered I frantically thought, “Dorn? Dorn? Who’s Dorn? Oh, yeah, her nephew upon whom I used to have a crush.”

It’d been so many years that I’d forgotten all about him. As we talked about him, she told me he was divorced and was always looking for someone to go dancing with. I told her if he’d teach me the kind of dancing he liked to do, I’d go with him. She said she might bring him by someday soon. Shortly after that she left.

I asked mother how they’d reconnected after all those years. Turns out her daughter and my brother, Michael saw each other in a fast food restaurant and had a moment of mutual recognition. They exchanged contact information, including mother’s number, which she passed on to her mother.

About a week or so later, I was working late as my boss hadn’t come in to relieve me, when my mother called me at work to tell me that Dorn had called. Not only that, but he’d asked for me. “He asked for me,” I said in surprise.

“Yes,” she said. I didn’t know what to think. I certainly hadn’t expected that. On the drive home that night, I worried about what we’d talk about. After all, we hadn’t seen each other in about 20 years at this point and the last time I’d seen him, he’d been a big jerk.

When I got home that night, I paced anxiously as I waited for him to call again. I wondered what we’d talk about. I mean, it’s not like we were great friends back then. When he did call back, it was if we’d always been friends. We talked for over two hours, during which time we made arrangements to get together that weekend. At the end of our call, he gave me his number and told me I could call him if I wanted to talk before we met up again. Then he told me that he’d changed. I tried to tell him that I had, too.

I Was An Emotional Prostitute Part 17

Another fellow asked me out and then didn’t show up on time. I waited five minutes and when he didn’t show I left. I went home and called him. He said he’d been there. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and went to his apartment to pick him up. I was totally unimpressed by the way he dressed. It was a warm summer day so I’d worn a nice lightweight denim dress. He was wearing a t-shirt with some kind of bird or animal on it and plaid shorts. The clothing made me think of a man lounging at home with some friends or doing his housework, not going on a first date with an attractive lady.

We went to see “Pocahontas”, which I chose at his request. When she and the English man met, he leaned over and quietly said, “Ugh! Boy meets girl. Now we make baby.”

After the movie, his main topic of conversation was sex despite my attempts to make it clear I didn’t wish to discuss my sexual preferences. I was glad when the date was over.

The last customer at my job that I went out with turned out to be something. I’m not sure what. He claimed to be Christian and married, but was away from his wife because of his job and wanted to be friends. I didn’t have a problem with that. However, his behavior said otherwise. He kissed me a lot and told me how he coped with his sexual urges. Then asked me how I coped with mine. I told him it was none of his business. He protested that he’d told me how he dealt with his. I thought, “But I didn’t ask for that information nor would I have.”

The thing that really tore it for me though was an overnight camping trip. We slept fully clothed in the back of his van. Periodically I would wake up to roll over and his legs would be on mine. I couldn’t believe it. The next morning I told him I wanted to go home that day. He took me home and on the way I noticed that his van’s exhaust fumes had a tendency to come up into the interior where I would end up breathing them and to make matters worse, I was very pregnant. He called me a day or so after he took me home and I told him in no uncertain terms that I never wanted to see him again. I only wish I could have slammed the phone in his ear, but that’s not possible with a cordless phone.

I met a few men online. Most of which, I didn’t meet in person for one reason or another. One of them got upset with me one night because I didn’t respond to his e-mails right away. After reading how upset he was, I e-mailed him back and reminded him that I had a life. I was a single mom and a full-time college student who didn’t have time to sit in front of a computer waiting for his e-mails. I got one more e-mail from him saying that he was going out of town for a few days. I never heard from him again.

A few men sent me their pictures, though I didn’t ask. One got upset with me when my repeated attempts to e-mail him one of me didn’t work. The others just kind of faded away.

Another one asked me in a phone conversation if I was a good kisser. I told him I’d never had any complaints. The question turned me off and gave me serious doubts about meeting in person. In fact the night we were to meet, I tried to call him and call off the meeting. Unfortunately he’d already left, so I stood him up.

            Another man I met online and then went out with was the worst kisser I ever met. He somehow managed to bump teeth with me several times. But what really got me was his tendency to put his hand on my breast despite my repeatedly moving it away. When I brought it up over the phone, a few days after our date, he said he hadn’t understood that my moving his hand away meant, “Leave my breast alone.”

I really hit the roof at that. How could he not understand?!

            I met the last man I was supposed to go out with at church because my mother knew him. He would make dates with me and then call me up to tell me he couldn’t make it. Given his living situation, I understood. He was living in something of a half-way house and there were rules he had to follow. The last time he asked me out, however, I asked him if he was absolutely sure he could make it this time. He assured me he could. The day and time he was to call me and let me know the exact time came and went, there was no phone call. He finally called me a week and a half later. When I questioned him about what happened, he said he’d gotten busy. I replied, “Too busy to call me?”

He got rather defensive and that was the last time we spoke. I learned later from my mother that he’d tried to pass it off as a misunderstanding. Considering I’d done what I could to be sure of details, there was no misunderstanding. Mother also told me that she’d warned him not to make me mad. I guess some people just have to learn the hard way.

I Was An Emotional Prostitute Part 16

I met one fellow at the church I attended. His name was Bob and he seemed nice enough. He took me to a baseball game, then proceeded to explain things to me as if I couldn’t tell what was going on. I said something about it and he told me he liked to explain things. Another time he took me to a local amusement park where he played some of the arcade games. When he won, he chose what he wanted and kept the prizes. I remember being puzzled. After all, wasn’t it normal for a man to win the prize and give it to the lady with him?

            In this case, I believe the relationship ended because of an incident totally unrelated to us as a couple. I was living at mom’s house and one night, a friend of my mom’s and her little girl stopped in for a visit. The little girl became thirsty and we offered her some juice. I went to the fridge to get her some and there were two identical containers containing similar liquids. I knew one was starter for a special cake and the other was juice, but I wasn’t sure which was which. After looking at each container carefully, I chose the one I thought contained the juice. The little girl drank two small glasses and pretty soon we realized she wasn’t quite herself. We quickly realized I must have given her the cake starter by mistake and that it was alcoholic. I was horrified and embarrassed.

Bob came by to take me to evening service at church and agreed to take the little girl and her mom with us, so that we could get her prayed for. As he parked the car, the little girl started singing in a drunken voice and I giggled about it. He snapped at me that it wasn’t funny. That was the last time I heard from him.

            There was George whom I met through a radio call in show. When I met him, I had 3 cats, one male and two female. George didn’t seem to mind my female cats, but every time my male cat got within a few feet, he made karate motions as if he wanted to chop him up. Then one night he called me to apologize for going to a strip club with his friend, something he’d promised me he’d never do. I didn’t really care that he’d gone. What did bother me was the fact that he was crying and sounded drunk. Between that and the way he reacted to my male cat, I got to thinking, “what would happen if George got angry while drunk?”

I broke it off shortly after that. He told me he’d never hurt me and that just made me more sure than ever that he was dangerous since I’d told him I was breaking it off because his mother and I didn’t get along.

I met one fellow over the phone one night when I called his apartment looking for his roommate. Somehow we started talking and discovered that we both like country music. A few days later he called me to say that Wynona Judd and Clint Black were coming to a venue a few hours away, and would I like to go. Of course I would. Wynona is one of my all-time favorite artists. As we got closer to going, he asked if I would drive as my car was more economical than his. Then he said that because he’d bought our tickets for the concert, I could drive over and back, paying for the gas out of my pocket, of course. A few days later, I brought up the fact that we would need to eat something somewhere along the way. He said he’d buy the food if I’d buy the drinks. Turned out his idea of food was cheese and crackers. I couldn’t believe what a cheap jerk he was. I was under the impression that when a man asked a woman out, he picked up the tab, unless they agreed at the start to go Dutch. Not only that, but at the concert he bought himself a program, but didn’t offer to do so for me. If he treats every woman he dates that way, he’ll never marry anyone with any brains.

There were a few men I met through my dry cleaning job. Frank was the first. Towards the end of our relationship he admitted to having used me, but justified it by saying I’d used him too. It took me a long time to figure out that I’d used Frank as an escape from my living situation. I spent the night with him whenever possible, so I wouldn’t have to be at home.

Then there was Brian. Things looked really good at first. He even told me he’d considered making me his. Then he suddenly seemed to drop off the face of the earth. After several months of no contact from him, I went to his place of business one day to give him some information for an event I thought he’d enjoy, plus it was a fund raiser for a good cause, otherwise I wouldn’t have gone. Brian wasn’t there, but his father was. When I told him the purpose of my visit, he told me his son had married and moved to another state. I was pretty surprised. I later realized that he was one of the biggest cowards I’d ever had the misfortune to be involved with.

The most memorable of those men had to be the man who managed his son’s boxing career. His name was “Action Jackson.” He kept asking me out and I kept saying “no.”

The man simply didn’t give up. Twice he came in while I was working at the back of the shop and on each occasion someone else offered to wait on him. Each time he told them he wanted me. The other woman in the shop, Debbie, went so far as to tell me “he was really ‘jonesing’ me.”

I was so embarrassed. My boss encouraged me to go out with him as the man had money, until he realized it was the father who wanted to date me and not the son. I finally agreed to go to breakfast with him one day and somehow it ended up being an all-day date to a local scenic area. By the end of the day, I felt like he’d managed to find all my buttons and make at least one attempt to push them. He especially couldn’t understand why I didn’t immediately trust him. I got so angry that I wanted to hit him. The reason I didn’t is that he told me that he’d rather I hit him than sit there and cry. I figured if my tears were going to make him miserable, I was going to let them flow. So I did.

I did see Action one last time at the shop. By that time I was very pregnant. He told me that he was disappointed that he wasn’t the father. As if I’d let him get that close to me.

I Was An Emotional Prostitute Pt. 15

            As I look back on my dating life, I see that I’ve dated more than I realized, until now. The stories I will tell in this chapter are all true. It still amazes me sometimes to realize just how inconsiderate and/or plain hurtful men can be. I’ve already covered some of the relationships with men that had the most impact on me, so I intend this to be a list of the ones who had an effect on me, but were not major players in my dating life.

            Every girl has a first boyfriend of course and mine was Billy. We were in first grade together and I thought he was totally cute. Nothing ever came of it, but I do have some fond memories of him.

There were some men, or should I say boys, who wanted me to do things for them but I refused.

            First was Russ.  I had a huge crush on him, so when he invited me over to his place, I eagerly went. When I got there, he took me into a travel trailer and we laid next to each other on a bed in it. He then tried to convince me to take my shirt off. I didn’t want to and told him so. When he asked why, I told him it was a body shirt, which had snaps in the bottom and I didn’t want to deal with those. He persisted and I kept saying “no.”

            What really clinched it was when something liquid dripped down between us from a space in the cubby above us. He told me he had mice or something up there, which occasionally spilled their water or some such excuse. However, shortly after that another boy from the neighborhood popped out of a small closet because he could no longer stay in there. He explained that my brother Mike was hiding in the space above where Russ and I had been. I was angry and embarrassed.

            Another fellow, Kelly wanted me to help him test his new waterbed. I refused. I told him I was trying not to engage in that kind of behavior anymore. When he persisted in asking, I slammed the phone down in his ear and refused to talk to him after that.

            Probably the subtlest, was Kevin. He invited me over for dinner, even made Cornish game hen, which I’d never had with butterscotch pudding for desert. After dinner, Kevin begged me to have sex with him. I refused and kept on refusing until he realized I meant it. Once he realized that, he gave up then said he’d take me home. He took me out to the bus stop, as he didn’t have a car, then decided he’d rather go visit his father than see me safely home, even though it was dark out

            I met a couple of the men I dated through Howie, whom I mentioned previously. One was Alex. He was cute. Blonde hair, blue eyes, just my type, or so I thought. Like a lot of the other men I went out with, all he wanted was my body. He convinced me to skip school one day so we could hang out. I wished later that I’d said, “no,” so I was hoping he wouldn’t be at my bus stop. He was there on his motorcycle when I walked up, so I got on it and went with him. All we did was hang out his house and have sex.

            Then there was Russell. He had red hair and blue eyes. Things seemed fine between us until I came back from visiting family in Idaho. He told me he’d joined the Marines. I was really surprised. Once he left for the Marines, our relationship fell apart. I met him again at work several years later. He’d been hired as a delivery driver at the Domino’s pizza I already worked for. I remember looking at him and thinking I was glad our relationship had fallen apart. He wasn’t the kind of man I needed.

            I met Dane in high school, riding the bus. We dated and had a good time. We shared a locker while dating. One day when I went to exchange books for my classes I found a note from him hanging in our locker. At first I thought it was a love note. As I went to class with it in my hand, I suddenly got this sense that something was wrong and I was about to be hurt. I tried to ignore it, but couldn’t.

As soon as I got to my desk, I opened the note. I couldn’t believe my eyes at first. It was his way of calling off the relationship as his old girlfriend had started talking about getting back together. When I confronted him with why he hadn’t told me in person, he said it was because he didn’t know when he would see me again. Given that we saw each other almost daily on the bus going to and from school that was the most cowardly excuse I have ever heard.

            To make matters worse, I ran into his girlfriend, Linda in the hallway one day. As we walked, we started talking about Dane. I told Linda how I felt about her disrupting my relationship with him only to learn he’d never even told her we were a couple! She told me she would chew him out for it. I’m sure she did.

I Was An Emotional Prostitute Part 14

The year of my divorce was the worst year of my life. In March of that year, my favorite cat, Spunky, had to be put down as he’d developed pleurisy. I couldn’t stand to have him lose all his dignity before he died. I’d watched that happen to another pet, so the thought of allowing that to happen to my wonderful kitty was more than I could stand.

In August, my youngest brother, Wayne died of a seizure related to a head injury he’d suffered about 9 years earlier.

I’ll never forget that night. He called me that evening and wanted to come spend the night with Pat and me. I told him it wasn’t possible as I couldn’t leave him alone at the apartment the next day and I didn’t have a way to make sure he got home safely in the morning. Instead I offered to let him spend the weekend after his birthday with me as my husband would be gone hunting with his best friend Scott. Before we got off the phone that night, I told him I was looking forward to seeing him as arranged and that I loved him. That was the last time I ever spoke to him.

Pat and I went to bed around 9 p.m., as we both had to be up early for work. Around 10 the phone beside our bed started clamoring for attention. I was so sound asleep I didn’t realize what the awful noise was. Pat had to reach over me and answer it. When he got off the phone, he told me that it was Don’s wife Donna calling to say Wayne was in the hospital and no one knew if he’d make it. We got up and got dressed. I called my boss and spoke with his wife. I told her what was happening and I didn’t know if I’d make to work the next morning, but I’d call as soon as I knew. On the way to the hospital, I had a feeling this was it for my younger, taller brother. I told the Lord that I didn’t want Wayne to die, but if it were his time, I would let go. He was already dead when we arrived at the hospital. I learned later that he’d actually died before reaching the hospital.

In September, my sister-in-law gave birth to a beautiful little boy. It was extremely difficult to watch her have a baby when I wanted one so badly and my husband kept saying “no, we can’t afford to have children.” Approximately two weeks after the birth of my nephew, my husband and I split up. I think I knew then my marriage was over, even if not legally.

I want to give Pat credit for a couple of things here. First, I had a birthday about a month after our divorce was final. He came to my work that day just to give me a birthday present. He’s even e-mailed me birthday wishes since then, even though I never think about his birthday. His birthday came and went while our divorce was being finalized and I didn’t even think to call him. Secondly, when I talked to him several months later regarding the video collection we had, he told me it wasn’t important to him. He’d already replaced the ones he wanted. He also didn’t seem surprised my mother was the real reason I took some of the videos I did.

In the months following our divorce, I went through a depression so deep, it’s a miracle I didn’t commit suicide because I certainly gave it some serious thought. One of the biggest reasons I didn’t was my nephew. I didn’t want his parents to have to tell him that his aunt had committed such a horrible act. There was also the fact that I didn’t want to cause anyone else in my family any grief over me in such a situation.

Last, but far from least in its own way was the realization that if I killed myself, I would never have children. That it was and is a permanent solution to temporary problems. What I did do was drag myself to and from work and sleep a lot. I’d get home at 3:00 p.m. or so, and be so tired I didn’t want to eat. I’d go sit down in the recliner for “just a few minutes” and wake up several hours later, in time to go to bed. Then I’d sleep the whole night through.

I worked at a laundry mat/dry cleaner at the time and tried to keep my personal problems from showing, but I know they did. Especially when a year or so after the divorce, a woman looked at me and said, “You’re doing better.”

“What do you mean,” I asked. She replied that it was if she had watched me walk through a dark valley and now I was coming out of it. I was really surprised. I thought I’d hidden my depression better than that.

I realize now, that at some level, I knew before we married that he wasn’t the right man for me. However, there were two problems with breaking up with Pat before the wedding. One was that by the time I realized how I felt, I thought it was too late. We had set a date and told our families and friends that we were getting married. Not to mention the planning I’d done and the money I’d spent getting ready.

The second problem with calling off the wedding was my own emotional needs. I wanted and needed a husband so much, I was willing to do virtually anything to be married, even marry the wrong man.