Sex in a Christian Marriage Part I

A few weeks ago a friend of mine, Emily Dixon author of “Scandalous: Things Good Christian Girls Don't Talk About but Probably Should,” posted a couple of links on Facebook to a blog titled, “Biblical Gender Roles,” both of which she disagreed. Both blog posts were about how a wife should submit to her husband when it comes to sex and both were written by one man.

His primary text for those posts seems to be I Corinthians 7:4 “The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”

There are three more scriptures in regards to wives submitting to their husbands. I’ll give you the references here so that you can look them up for yourself. They are as follows:

Ephesians 5:22 & 24

Colossians 3:18

I Peter 3:1

I looked up the word “submit” in my Webster’s 1828 dictionary and it reads as follows:

“to yield, resign, or surrender to the power or authority of another.”

In other words, as one pastor I knew said, “submission is a state of heart.” It’s not obedience, yet most Christian men act as if a wife’s submission is supposed to be obedience.

According to Webster’s 1828, obey means:

"to comply with the commands or instructions of superior.”

This would apply to pets, employees, servants, or military personnel, but not wives. Wives are not to be treated as people to be commanded. After looking up all the scriptures I could find regarding husbands and wives in general, I did NOT find one where men are to command their wives and/or wives are to be obedient servants to their husbands.

In fact, if you look in Genesis 2 when God creates woman, he creates her as a helper to Adam, not a servant.

I did some further investigating into the man’s blog to get a better idea of what he thinks the roles of men and women are and what I found was disturbing. He gives the impression that as the head of the household men have all the power in the relationship. That women are to run the house, raise the children and submit themselves completely to their husbands. He does say that men and women should discuss things, but the man has the final say. I can’t argue about men having the final say, because the Bible does make it clear that men are the head of the household. However, I do disagree with several other things he says.

For instance, he says that a woman cannot in any way punish her husband for not paying enough attention to her or her needs as the man has the authority in the marriage and she does not. She can talk to him about what he’s doing and even urge him to seek counseling with her, but she cannot withhold sex from him even if he’s not at least attempting to meet her emotional needs. By emotional needs, I don’t mean jewelry or possessions of any kind. I’m talking about a woman’s need to be held for the sake of being held, holding hands, the husband helping out with the house – especially when he sees that his wife is feeling overwhelmed, etc. The men, however can punish their wives for not giving in to their husband’s desires for sex and he lists eight steps for disciplining a wife who does not give in.

He goes on to say that sex for men, gives them an emotional connection to their wives. I’ve got news for him. It does the same thing for the wives, but it doesn’t truly start or end there for women. It begins outside the bedroom in the way a husband treats his wife on a daily basis. Is he asking her about her day and truly listening to her response? Does he notice when she’s feeling overwhelmed by the house and children and pitch in to help or does he ignore what’s going on? Does he hold her while watching TV or a movie? Does he hold her hand when they’re out and about? If a man is ignoring his wife except when he wants sex or something else, he’s slowly, but surely breeding resentment and some form of rebellion in his own home. He could also be slowly, but surely killing her at an emotional level, which could translate into a physical problems. I.E. headaches, heart issues, and anything stress related.

Rebellion has many forms. A woman may still “submit” to her husband because it’s the “right” thing to do, but she’ll find ways to let her man know that he’s not taking care of her emotional needs. The most common sign is weight gain. I know from experience that weight gain can be the result of emotional hungers. I’ve struggled with my own weight for years because of emotional hungers. When I married my ex-husband, I was overweight. During our 3 ½ years of marriage I gained 40 pounds because my husband refused to try and meet my emotional needs. During the time between our divorce and my pregnancy, I dropped 80 pounds. If I’d realized before we married that he was going to treat me the way he did, I wouldn’t have married him.

Another sign could be that she takes off her wedding ring. Men, if your wife has removed her ring because of temporary weight gain, such as during pregnancy, that’s understandable. But, if she quits wearing it altogether, it could be a serious sign that she doesn’t feel married. At that point, you need to talk to her and really listen to what she has to say and try to be a better husband.

He also makes it clear that as long as a man is a good provider, making sure his family has a roof over their heads, clothes on their back, and food to eat then he’s doing his job. My roommate, David and I have discussed marriage and the role of the man many times since I moved in with him over 15 years ago. He too, disagrees with what this man says about a man’s role. That men are more than mere providers for their families. Men need to take care of their wives at an emotional level as well.

One woman wrote to him about problems in her marriage. Her husband who is a nonbeliever, insisted on having sex with her when she was pregnant, even though it was uncomfortable and downright painful for her. She’d told him she was willing to satisfy him, but he was unwilling to wait till she could comfortably have sex again. As a result, she no longer wanted to have sex with her husband and would sometimes put a pillow over her face or read a book while her husband had sex with her. She told the blogger that she felt like she was being raped or molested by her husband. His first response was to say that because her husband had told her he’d try to be quick about it, he was showing some consideration. He also asked if it had been a few days since their last sexual encounter.  If so, then he had a right to have sex with his wife. He also told her that she needed to remove the words “rape” and ‘molester” from her vocabulary in relation to her husband. They’re married, so he couldn’t rape her as rape is defined in the Bible as a man catching a woman in the field away from any form of protection and that because she is married to him, he couldn’t be raping her. It’s his right to have sex with her anytime he pleases.

I disagree. Rape isn’t about the act: it’s about power over the victim. This woman’s husband is exercising power over her, rather than loving her. The blogger, who is anonymous because he’d rather not deal with character attacks, advised her also that as long as her husband was willing to be married to her, that she could not divorce him because as long as she is married to him, he and their children are sanctified through her.

Another woman wrote in that she knew God’s plan for marriage included sex, “but sometimes denying sex becomes necessary as an effort to PRESERVE THE MARRIAGE.” She went on to say that her husband not only ignored her emotional needs, he constantly shrugged off spiritual leadership in the home, treated her as a roommate, continually refused to do anything to show any kind of affection to his wife, left all the parenting up to her, yet expected to get laid. They’d sought counseling and he tells the counselor he’ll change, but he never does. To make matters worse, the man is an elder in the church.

He tells her to give her husband sex anyway and to continue respectfully telling her husband what she needs from him. That it may cause him to change if she continues to respectfully tell him how she feels, but still submits her body to him for sex. He also acknowledges that her husband may never change.

To be continued...

Not as Easy as Pie :)

When I first started this blog I figured I could easily do it once a week. Ha! What's the saying about the best laid plans of men?

The first eight posts virtually wrote themselves. Then life intervened. My son needed surgery on one shoulder and then twice a week physical therapy. He's doing well and the therapy is only once a week now. 

Then my peach tree ripened early due to all the heat we've been experiencing. Between daily checks for ripened fruit and slicing and freezing, I often spent a couple of hours a day.This was all in between running our small house and packing up books for storage as I don't have room to put them out. 

There is a blog entry that I've been working on, but it's taking longer than I anticipated. A friend of mine, Emily Dixon, author of  “Scandalous: Things Good Christian Girls Should Talk About but Probably Should,”posted a couple of entries from a blog titled, "Biblical Gender Roles." Personally I don't agree with what I read in those entries, but given his attitudes, I knew a comment from me wasn't likely to get past his censorship. Not only that, but I realized that I have so much to say on the subject, that I needed to do my own blog entry. I've been working on it as much as I can. I wanted to be sure that I'd read what he had to say to be sure I didn't miss something that might counterbalance the two entries Emily shared. There's nothing on his website that does so. On top of that, I wanted to be sure I was being as Biblical as possible and that I wasn't just allowing my emotions to run off with me on the subject.
Anyway, if all goes well, I'll have my rebuttal up by next week. Suffice it to say that I'm very glad I'm not married to the man.

Thank you for reading my thoughts.

Dry Cleaning Customer Service Part II

Suits and Two Piece Outfits

            I got asked more than once why non matching pieces couldn’t be counted as a suit, which is cheaper to clean. I asked my boss one day and he told me that if one piece of a suit loses its tag during the cleaning process we can still match it up with its other half. That saves the person doing the packaging time and effort, therefore lowering the cost of doing the suit. Two piece outfits that look good together, but are clearly not a suit can’t be matched up that way.

Care Instructions

Believe it or not, care instructions for a garment can play a role. I’ve seen garments with conflicting care instructions. In one case the instructions literally read, “Dry Clean Only” and then under that was, “Do Not Dry Clean.” I hadn’t taken in the garment, but I had to call the customer and explain that we couldn’t clean it due to the conflicting instructions.

Another lady brought in a suit with dyed seeds as decorations and the garment tags read “dry clean only” but don’t “clean the decorations.” How were we supposed to do that? I recommended that she return the suit to the store she’d bought it at, but unfortunately, she’d purchased it in another state.

I remember seeing an article in an industry paper with a photo attached. There had been some kind of industry seminar at which a man pulled in a rack full of clothes that had not survived their own cleaning instructions.

Drapes and Curtains

We always had customers sign a release for draperies and curtains for two reasons. One, they hang in windows and are exposed to a lot of sunlight, which over time damages the fabric.  Two, the everyday dirt and dust that the fabric is exposed to can also damage the fabric. Most drapes and curtains did just fine, but occasionally they would fall apart. Thankfully most customers were okay with that, but occasionally we’d have to remind the customer about the release we had them sign.

No Smoking

The worst customer service incident that I ever had to deal with involved a man smoking in our shop.  The first time I saw him smoking, he was at our counter talking to the other woman who worked the register and had the cigarette behind his back. I politely told him that smoking wasn’t allowed and he chewed me out. I was new at the job, so I backed off, but it scared me. Every chemical in the shop is flammable and while he wasn’t near them, they do give off fumes. Looking back, I know now that he knew he was in the wrong. After all, why have the cigarette behind your back if it’s okay to smoke in there?

The second time he did it, he was pacing in front of our gas dryers. Thankfully, none of the pilot lights were out at the time. When I said, “Excuse me sir, but smoking but isn’t allowed,” he yelled at me again.

This time I looked him right in the eye and said, “Fine! If you don’t like it, you can pack up your stuff and leave!”

He left shortly after that and I never saw him again.

Cost of Dry Cleaning

Last, but not least the complaint I heard most was “Why is dry cleaning so expensive?” Well, I’ll tell you; it’s labor intensive. I’ll try to give you a general overview of what’s involved in dry cleaning. From the time you walk in the door to drop off your clothes, till they’re ready, there are several steps that must take place.

1)     The counter person takes in your clothes and makes notes about how many of each item and in the case of dry clean only, what color

2)     That person must then tag each dry cleaning item and laundered shirt individually and in some cases staple a matching tag to the invoice

3)     The items are then sorted according to dry cleaning or laundry and then in the case of dry cleaning according to color: laundered shirts are sorted according to the amount of starch requested

4)     For the dry cleaning process each item is checked for spots and spot cleaned before being put into the dry cleaning machine itself

5)     When the machine is done, each garment is double checked for spots and if necessary cleaned again

6)     Then each garment is pressed individually. The presser also checks for spots and sends things back to the cleaning person as needed

7)     Once a garment is finished, it’s sorted and packaged for you, the customer to pick up

8)     Once all garments for the day are packaged and ready to go, they are put on the rotating line under the last name of the customer to wait for pick up

This doesn’t include the cost of the chemicals used in spot cleaning and the general cleaning solution. The only thing reusable is the general cleaning solution, and even it has limits. If you think gas is expensive, those chemicals can be two to four times the cost of gas and higher. Not to mention the electricity to run the machines and the water for steaming garments as they’re pressed.

I hope that after reading this, you will have a better understanding of why Dry Cleaning is so expensive and why I say “the customer isn’t always right.”

Customer Service in Dry Cleaning Part I

Up until a few years ago, I worked outside the home. I’d worked at a variety of different jobs ranging from telephone sales (ugh!) to janitorial to security and I was a paralegal for a short time. However, most of my working life was spent in customer service. I delivered pizzas for Domino’s until the night some guy in a pickup truck decided to make a left turn in front of me without looking. I spent just over a year at Burger King, first in the kitchen and then at the front taking care of customers. I enjoyed being at the front taking care of customers most of the time. Once in a while there would be a rude one, but they were largely in the minority.

Most of my customer service experience though, comes from working in a Dry Cleaner/Laundromat. It was while working there that I learned that the old adage about “the customer is always right” isn’t true. I worked at two different Dry Cleaners and while there times when we made mistakes and had to do our best to rectify those mistakes, there were definitely times when the customer was wrong.

Allow me to explain.

Spots and Stains

As professional cleaners we were often expected to remove everything a customer has managed to spill, splatter, or grind into their clothing. If only we could. Unfortunately, even with the expensive, chemicals available to the industry, it’s not possible for a variety of reasons. The stain itself may be particularly stubborn and in some cases, it’s the fabric that holds on to the stain. Rayon, acetate and rayon/acetate blends in particular are notorious for staining easily or having what I call “disappearing stains.” That means you spill some liquid, including water on the garment and it “disappears” till you take it in to have it cleaned and then it’s there in all its splotchy glory. The worst part is that no matter what a cleaner does, those kinds of stains will not come out and they end up hanging a tag on the hangar that tells you that although they’ve done their best, the stains in your garment are not coming out. Some people think that means they shouldn’t have to pay because the cleaner failed to get the stain out. Sorry, but you do have to pay. By the time the cleaner knows the stain won’t come out, they’ve cleaned the garment at least once and possibly more if they think there’s a chance it will come out with more cleaning and then the garment is pressed.  In other words, they’ve done their job and are due the price you agreed to pay when you dropped your clothes off.

The best advice anyone can offer is, if you spill something on yourself, blot it up as best you can and take it to the cleaners as soon as possible. The stain might not come out, but that gives you the best chance the cleaner can remove it. Also be sure to tell the counter person at the cleaners about the stain and what it is. That will help increase the chance the cleaner will be able to remove it.

Re-doing Clothes

In some cases the cleaner will miss a stain and the garment comes back to be cleaned again. In that situation the cleaner will do it again at no charge, but again there is no guarantee the stain will come out. Believe me, cleaners wish that someone would invent a way to remove all stains without damaging a garment, but that just isn’t possible. There are way too many variables.

Buttons

Buttons can be a bit of a sore point between cleaner and customer. The customer needs to know and remember that because the cleaner did not produce the garment and therefore did not sew on the buttons, the cleaner has no way of knowing how the buttons on a garment will hold up in the cleaning process. I had more than one customer come to me and fuss about ruined buttons even though in some cases it was obvious that we’d done what we could to protect the buttons by wrapping them in foil. The only sure way to protect fancy buttons on a garment is to have the cleaner take them off and sew them back on for an extra fee, or remove them yourself and sew them back on later.

Shirt buttons were a constant problem because of the pressure exerted by the shirt press. The first place I worked at simply didn’t have the resources to replace them, but the second cleaners did and I often had to sew buttons on shirts that had lost one or two.

Women’s Shirts

I often got asked why washing and pressing a woman’s shirt cost more than a man’s. Well, there are two reasons for that. One, women’s shirts are generally smaller and won’t fit the press, which is designed for men’s shirts; therefore a presser must do a lot of the pressing by hand. Two, women’s shirts at that time often had ruffles down the front or some kind of fancy trim that again, had to be pressed by hand. That’s more labor intensive and as a result costs more.

Children’s Clothing

This was another thing that people asked me why it costs more. Well, again children’s clothing is smaller than the adult clothing for which the presses are designed. As a result, any time you have to clean your son or daughter’s dry clean only clothing, the garments are going to require a lot of hand pressing and take more time, which adds to the cost. I’d also like to remind you that the cleaner cannot guarantee that every stain your child got on his clothes is going to come out.

Clothes Shrinking in Cleaning

In all the years I worked in dry cleaning, I only saw one garment shrink. It was an angora sweater and I did not realize at the time that it needed a short cleaning cycle, with a cooler than normal drying cycle. Sorry to say that I accidentally shrunk that pretty little sweater and my boss had to pay for it. Now, having written that, there’s not another fabric that I know of that shrinks in dry cleaning. As much as we women hate to admit when we gain weight and can no longer wear our clothes, it’s not the cleaner’s fault. The dry cleaning process is a liquid chemical process specifically designed to do the best possible job of cleaning your clothes without shrinking. I had a few women come to me and complain that we’d shrunk their clothes, but reality was they had gained weight. All dry cleaners handle hundreds of garments a day without shrinking anything.

Lost Garments

Unfortunately, this does happen from time to time, despite a cleaner’s best efforts to ensure that it doesn’t. I can remember three specific instances of items going missing for one reason or another.

The first instance was a pair of linen shorts from a regular customer. I was worried and did my best to find them. To make matters worse, I had her fill out a report and she valued them at $100 because they were linen. That really worried me! The last time she came looking for them, I remembered that we’d had a couple of garments turn up under “No Name” on our rack and I checked there. Thankfully, I found her shorts and handed them over. She offered to pay for the cleaning, but under the circumstances, I didn’t feel right charging her for the cleaning. I voided the ticket and stapled it to her report.

Another time I had a lady claim that the laundry she’d brought in for us to do for her brother was missing a pair of pants. I looked around quite thoroughly, but could not find them. In this situation she hadn’t brought us his dry cleaning, but rather his regular laundry, which we never tagged as we washed each customer’s laundry separately. I also knew her brother lived in a nursing home and at the time nursing homes were infamous for mixing up people’s clothes and losing things, even when a relative of the patient did the patient’s laundry instead of the nursing home. I asked if she’d checked with the nursing home and she said she hadn’t. In fact, she refused to check with them. I had her fill out a claim form, but as I told my boss, she couldn’t prove we’d had anything to do with her brother’s pants until she checked with the nursing home. She never checked with the nursing home and we never paid the claim.

The last time someone claimed a missing item, the customer had no receipt and as I told her at the time, without a receipt to prove the item was here, there was nothing I could do. She insisted on taking a good look around the shop, which we did, but to no avail.

To be continued next week . . .