Sex in a Christian Marriage Part I

A few weeks ago a friend of mine, Emily Dixon author of “Scandalous: Things Good Christian Girls Don't Talk About but Probably Should,” posted a couple of links on Facebook to a blog titled, “Biblical Gender Roles,” both of which she disagreed. Both blog posts were about how a wife should submit to her husband when it comes to sex and both were written by one man.

His primary text for those posts seems to be I Corinthians 7:4 “The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”

There are three more scriptures in regards to wives submitting to their husbands. I’ll give you the references here so that you can look them up for yourself. They are as follows:

Ephesians 5:22 & 24

Colossians 3:18

I Peter 3:1

I looked up the word “submit” in my Webster’s 1828 dictionary and it reads as follows:

“to yield, resign, or surrender to the power or authority of another.”

In other words, as one pastor I knew said, “submission is a state of heart.” It’s not obedience, yet most Christian men act as if a wife’s submission is supposed to be obedience.

According to Webster’s 1828, obey means:

"to comply with the commands or instructions of superior.”

This would apply to pets, employees, servants, or military personnel, but not wives. Wives are not to be treated as people to be commanded. After looking up all the scriptures I could find regarding husbands and wives in general, I did NOT find one where men are to command their wives and/or wives are to be obedient servants to their husbands.

In fact, if you look in Genesis 2 when God creates woman, he creates her as a helper to Adam, not a servant.

I did some further investigating into the man’s blog to get a better idea of what he thinks the roles of men and women are and what I found was disturbing. He gives the impression that as the head of the household men have all the power in the relationship. That women are to run the house, raise the children and submit themselves completely to their husbands. He does say that men and women should discuss things, but the man has the final say. I can’t argue about men having the final say, because the Bible does make it clear that men are the head of the household. However, I do disagree with several other things he says.

For instance, he says that a woman cannot in any way punish her husband for not paying enough attention to her or her needs as the man has the authority in the marriage and she does not. She can talk to him about what he’s doing and even urge him to seek counseling with her, but she cannot withhold sex from him even if he’s not at least attempting to meet her emotional needs. By emotional needs, I don’t mean jewelry or possessions of any kind. I’m talking about a woman’s need to be held for the sake of being held, holding hands, the husband helping out with the house – especially when he sees that his wife is feeling overwhelmed, etc. The men, however can punish their wives for not giving in to their husband’s desires for sex and he lists eight steps for disciplining a wife who does not give in.

He goes on to say that sex for men, gives them an emotional connection to their wives. I’ve got news for him. It does the same thing for the wives, but it doesn’t truly start or end there for women. It begins outside the bedroom in the way a husband treats his wife on a daily basis. Is he asking her about her day and truly listening to her response? Does he notice when she’s feeling overwhelmed by the house and children and pitch in to help or does he ignore what’s going on? Does he hold her while watching TV or a movie? Does he hold her hand when they’re out and about? If a man is ignoring his wife except when he wants sex or something else, he’s slowly, but surely breeding resentment and some form of rebellion in his own home. He could also be slowly, but surely killing her at an emotional level, which could translate into a physical problems. I.E. headaches, heart issues, and anything stress related.

Rebellion has many forms. A woman may still “submit” to her husband because it’s the “right” thing to do, but she’ll find ways to let her man know that he’s not taking care of her emotional needs. The most common sign is weight gain. I know from experience that weight gain can be the result of emotional hungers. I’ve struggled with my own weight for years because of emotional hungers. When I married my ex-husband, I was overweight. During our 3 ½ years of marriage I gained 40 pounds because my husband refused to try and meet my emotional needs. During the time between our divorce and my pregnancy, I dropped 80 pounds. If I’d realized before we married that he was going to treat me the way he did, I wouldn’t have married him.

Another sign could be that she takes off her wedding ring. Men, if your wife has removed her ring because of temporary weight gain, such as during pregnancy, that’s understandable. But, if she quits wearing it altogether, it could be a serious sign that she doesn’t feel married. At that point, you need to talk to her and really listen to what she has to say and try to be a better husband.

He also makes it clear that as long as a man is a good provider, making sure his family has a roof over their heads, clothes on their back, and food to eat then he’s doing his job. My roommate, David and I have discussed marriage and the role of the man many times since I moved in with him over 15 years ago. He too, disagrees with what this man says about a man’s role. That men are more than mere providers for their families. Men need to take care of their wives at an emotional level as well.

One woman wrote to him about problems in her marriage. Her husband who is a nonbeliever, insisted on having sex with her when she was pregnant, even though it was uncomfortable and downright painful for her. She’d told him she was willing to satisfy him, but he was unwilling to wait till she could comfortably have sex again. As a result, she no longer wanted to have sex with her husband and would sometimes put a pillow over her face or read a book while her husband had sex with her. She told the blogger that she felt like she was being raped or molested by her husband. His first response was to say that because her husband had told her he’d try to be quick about it, he was showing some consideration. He also asked if it had been a few days since their last sexual encounter.  If so, then he had a right to have sex with his wife. He also told her that she needed to remove the words “rape” and ‘molester” from her vocabulary in relation to her husband. They’re married, so he couldn’t rape her as rape is defined in the Bible as a man catching a woman in the field away from any form of protection and that because she is married to him, he couldn’t be raping her. It’s his right to have sex with her anytime he pleases.

I disagree. Rape isn’t about the act: it’s about power over the victim. This woman’s husband is exercising power over her, rather than loving her. The blogger, who is anonymous because he’d rather not deal with character attacks, advised her also that as long as her husband was willing to be married to her, that she could not divorce him because as long as she is married to him, he and their children are sanctified through her.

Another woman wrote in that she knew God’s plan for marriage included sex, “but sometimes denying sex becomes necessary as an effort to PRESERVE THE MARRIAGE.” She went on to say that her husband not only ignored her emotional needs, he constantly shrugged off spiritual leadership in the home, treated her as a roommate, continually refused to do anything to show any kind of affection to his wife, left all the parenting up to her, yet expected to get laid. They’d sought counseling and he tells the counselor he’ll change, but he never does. To make matters worse, the man is an elder in the church.

He tells her to give her husband sex anyway and to continue respectfully telling her husband what she needs from him. That it may cause him to change if she continues to respectfully tell him how she feels, but still submits her body to him for sex. He also acknowledges that her husband may never change.

To be continued...