I Was An Emotional Prostitute Part 9

Prior to our breakup, we’d made plans to go on a trip to Canada with David, a man we knew at church, and another friend from church, Patty. When Andrew and I broke up, I wasn’t sure I wanted to go if he was going too. Then to make matters worse, David came to see me after work one day to tell me that I needed to get back together with Andrew before we went. I told David that under no circumstances was I going to get back together with Andrew, even if it meant missing the trip. He’d hurt me too badly for me to consider it, even though I really wanted to go.

I did go on the trip with the three of them, but only because Patty came and talked to me. She assured me I didn’t have to go back to Andrew despite what David had said. It was an interesting trip. Andrew kept trying to get me back and I kept trying to run away from him. I ended up verbally sniping at him a lot in the car on the way to the ferry. We must have just about driven poor David and Patty crazy.

When we got on the ferry to Canada, Andrew followed me around like some kind of lovesick puppy. I couldn’t get away from him. Even when I used the ship-to-shore phone to call Pat whom I was dating, he would wait a few feet away. The only way I could have escaped him during the crossing would have been to spend the whole trip in the ladies room.

Thankfully, Andrew took me to dinner the next night at a very nice restaurant in Victoria. During a sumptuous main course consisting of rack of lamb, I set him straight once and for all. I told him point blank that his current efforts to get me back were too little; too late. He had hurt me too much for me to want to even think about trying again. The rest of the trip went very well after that. The next day, we even went shopping together and had a pleasant time.

Just before we broke up, I quietly and gradually withdrew from the church I’d attended for years. I could see things were not as they should be. I couldn’t prove it although, even if I could have, no one would have listened to me. God was connecting people together for mutual healing, but unfortunately some people got carried away. They divorced their spouses in favor of marrying the person God had connected them with. The church leadership even put connections ahead of the marital relationships.

I learned this after I sought the advice of a church counselor in regards to Andrew’s seemingly higher interest in his connection, my friend, Kathy. The counselor told me point blank, that their relationship was more important as it was an eternal one, but our relationship was only for as long as we were here on earth. I learned later that his attitude was wrong. That I could have and probably should have sought other counsel within the church. Not everyone saw it the way that counselor did. There were counselors who saw that the God given connection was to serve a healing purpose in people’s lives, but was not meant to take the place of any marital or engagement relationship or to permanently become more important than those relationships. It was to be more important for a time, but not forever. However, I was too hurt to even think about it and to take the risk of a similar attitude. I later wished I had talked to our pre-engagement counselors regarding Andrew’s attitude, but I’m not sure how much it would have helped. I know now that we would never have succeeded as a married couple anyway.

I need to be completely honest here, regarding my relationship with Andrew. I wasn’t perfect; I did cheat on him, just once. I was at a family reunion in Eastern Washington, when it happened. I’m ashamed and embarrassed to say that it was Don I used that weekend: the same man who abused me as a child.

I was in a very high state of arousal that weekend. I knew that if I worked things just right, I could seduce Don. We’d played strip poker a few years prior when I was staying with him at his home in Everett as a teenager, so I figured if I could get him alone for any length of time, I could get what I wanted. Well, I got him to go for a walk with me and as we walked, I worked the conversation around to where I wanted it to be. We found a secluded spot and flipped a coin with the loser removing clothing, etc. I felt so ashamed and guilty as soon as it was over, that I cried all the way back to camp.

            For a long time I asked myself over and over why I had been so aroused that I would have sex with any man, including him. I finally realized that my emotional needs were so strong, they were driving me to do things I wouldn’t have done otherwise. I think that in my relationship with Andrew I expected him to meet those needs and when he continuously failed to do so, they got so strong that I couldn’t control them. It was like trying to hold the lid down on a volcano. You can only do that for so long until it has to explode then, watch out!