David has also taught me that lovemaking doesn’t have to mean intercourse. That caressing and touching and exploring each other’s body is lovemaking too. Actually, making love doesn’t have to be sexual at all. A man bringing home flowers for no reason and saying, “I love you” is a form of making love. Or a woman who fixes her husband’s favorite dishes just to please him is a form of making love.

Also, because of how intimate we have been with each other and because of how I feel about David in general, I tended to be jealous when he’s gone out with another woman. I didn’t like the way I felt and it certainly didn’t seem logical as he wasn’t my husband or even my boyfriend and never will be. However, it was how I felt.

I knew from the start that there was a woman, Karen, whom he’d met at a second church he attended that he was drawn to. He didn’t know why, but he went out with her a couple of times in an effort to figure it out. Every time he was out with her, I missed him and to some extent, a part of me resented her and the fact that she got some of his time.

One of the best things though, is that as I went through these changes and my emotions came to the surface, David was generally quick to reassure me that what I felt was normal and natural. To hear that after years of being told that my emotions were wrong or I was too sensitive or my emotions were out of proportion to the situation, especially the negative ones, is reassuring. Something I’ve needed for as long as I can remember.

I finally realized why I felt so jealous when David talked about going out with other women, regardless of who. The reason is, that for the first time in my life, I am a priority to someone, as best as they can. Not even my own mother ever made me feel like a priority to her. Neither did my ex-husband or the boyfriend before him.

Before my husband and I married, we had sex. Immediately afterward I started shaking and shivering as if I was cold, but I didn’t know why. It only happened the one time, but after we were married, the first time we had sex, I cried when it was over.  I didn’t know why then any more than I knew why I shook the first time. Pat asked me what was wrong. I told him I thought it had to do with the “beauty” of having sex after you were married. I didn’t know how to tell him I didn’t understand my tears. After our divorce, I waited several months before dating again. When I did get involved with a man again and had sex with him, I shook and shivered when it was over. It happened with every man the first time I had sex with him. Anytime we had sex after that there was no shaking. I never understood why I shook and shivered until one night I had a dream.

I was sound asleep one night when I started having a wild dream. I dreamt that David was angry and frustrated about something. He walked into his bedroom and I followed him so I could listen to him and try to help if possible. We sat on either side of his bed and he had his back to me. I reached out and started to rub his back, as there really wasn’t much else I could do for him. Pretty soon we were kissing and then we were having sex. In my mind I started fighting the dream. I was thinking, “No! This isn’t right. This isn’t what God wants! No! No! No! NO!”

Then I woke up. I looked at the clock and it read about 3:45 a.m. I wanted to tell David about my dream, but he wasn’t going to be up for another 45 minutes or so. I fell back into a restless sleep for another 30 minutes or so. Then I got up to go to the bathroom. The moment I sat up, I started to shake and shiver as if I was cold, but I wasn’t. I did what I needed to do and then crawled in next to David. He noticed me shivering as I adjusted his blankets to cover me. He told me to crawl in and get warm. I crawled beneath the covers, cuddled up and almost immediately stopped shivering. That’s when I realized I was emotionally needy.

When David’s alarm went off, I didn’t even hear it. He got up turned it off, ate some breakfast and came back to bed because he’d realized I needed him that morning. After he satisfied my emotional need I told him about my dream and how I used to shiver and shake like that after having sex with the other men in my life. He told me that it was my body’s way of telling me that my emotional needs were not being met. I knew he was right the moment he said it. Those men had not met my emotional needs. They probably couldn’t have given that I didn’t understand how I needy I was.

It’s not just my emotional need for physical affection that gets met either. David will do things that are just for me. For instance, when I had my 40^th birthday, he bought me a cake at Costco that I’d wanted to try.

For his 60^th birthday, he took his vacation and then he and I went several places and tried new restaurants with just the two of us; and I got to choose the restaurants!

When appliances in the house needed replacing, we went looking together and I made the final choice. I always chose things that cost more, but would last for a long time. Such as the stove: its professional quality designed for the home and I love it. So are my new crock pot and the clothes washer.