If you’ve read this far into my
story, I’m sure you’re wondering if David and I were physically intimate. In
other words, “Did we have sex?”
Yes. A couple of times, but God spoke
to David and said, “I understand, but you two need to back down. This is not
what I brought you together for.”
We stopped. It wasn’t easy and there
were times when we pushed it, but each time God spoke to David to remind him.
About the third or fourth time though, God also told him that if we didn’t do
as He said, He would pull us apart. God did allow us other physical intimacies
to satisfy our natural sexual needs.
Our physical relationship is based on
need, not lust or just because we want to have fun. God made that clear early
on, as well. That hasn’t been easy, either.
The thing that has impressed me and
helped me the most is that David has always put me first in our physical
relationship. I have never felt as though he was satisfying me so he could meet
his own needs as so many men tend to do. This is turn has made me feel even
safer with him than I ever have with any other man, including my ex-husband. Some
of the men in my past did try to make sure I was satisfied, but there was
always an underlying, “if I take care of her, I can get what I want.” I never
truly felt like it was purely for me, whereas with David, I get the sense that’s
he’s concerned with my pleasure. His can wait till he knows I’m content. There’s
no need to hurry on his account.
Another thing that helps me is that
he’s never asked me to do anything I’m not comfortable with or enjoy doing. We
discussed those things once and I was pleasantly surprised to learn he didn’t
like them either.
I think it also helped that for years
before I moved in with him, David had been telling me that he loved me. Not of
his own accord or feelings, but because God had given him a love for me that at
times he had a hard time containing. During those years, he’d sometimes tell me
that he wanted to kiss me, but because he knew I wasn’t ready. he didn’t. He never
even tried to violate my boundaries.
God used our physical relationship to
help heal part of me emotionally and sexually as those parts of me have been
the most damaged. Because of our intimacy God exposed a part of me, which felt
like I was a prostitute. I’ve known for a long time there was a part of me that
felt that way. Once, when I was in high school, I dreamt that I was in the part
of our town where you’re most likely to find prostitutes and that I was wearing
a dress, which had been crocheted in such a fashion as to leave huge openings
in the shape of sunflowers. On this occasion, we were just starting to become
intimate, when David looked in my eyes and saw “her” the part of me, which felt
like a prostitute. He stopped everything right there and we sat up and talked
about “her” presence in me. The big reason “she” got exposed right then was
that I was behind in my rent to David and it bothered me, even though it didn’t
bother him. He saw that in my view, I only had one way to pay him, and that was
with my body.
Shortly after God exposed “her”
presence in my life, “she” was driven out. I sat down and wrote a note to David
in a card, which said something about “understanding being a fountain,” and
expressed my heart regarding his understanding. This was enough to finish
driving “her” out of my life.
Also because of our intimacy, I have
opened up to David in ways I don’t think I could have or would have otherwise.
I’ve allowed myself to express the pain, shame, disappointment, and anger I’ve
felt over different circumstances in my life. I could not and would not have
done this had I not felt completely safe with David and able to trust him. The physical
intimacy we shared showed me how much he cared for me and respected me, which
in turn made me feel very safe. His sensitivity to my needs and wants and his
respect for my boundaries and comfort levels during our intimate times are the
things which allowed me to know that I was loved and respected in ways which I
had never experienced before.
The physical intimacy we share isn’t
the most important part of our relationship. It simply allows me to know that
David truly loves me and will not take advantage of me, which allows an
emotional intimacy to blossom between us.
When a woman is physically intimate
with a man, she finds out real quick whether he’s being honest with her about
his feelings or he’s doing what he has to do so he can get what he wants. The
physical intimacy between David and I allows me to know he loved me as he never
seeks to please himself only. This has also been difficult for me because as
the woman in me came to life, I found myself becoming more sensitive to being
touched, caressed and kissed by a man who really loves me and in turn that
makes me want more. Caressing me can now arouse me in ways I never thought
possible for me. I’ve heard about women who could be aroused by being caressed
but never thought of myself as one of them.
No comments:
Post a Comment