I Was An Emotional Prostitute Part 51

David and I knew from the start, we might fall in love. And for a short time it happened. We even talked about getting married.  However, a woman in our church, who had no way of knowing what was happening, came to me at church one morning and asked to speak with me alone. We went to a secluded corner where she told me she felt she had a word from the Lord for me. God told me to “trust Him” and made it clear that he had someone for me. He didn’t tell me not to love David or marry him; just that he had someone for me. As a result, David and I talked it over and decided not to get married. As time went on, we began to see the wisdom in what God said. I love him very much, as a friend. I know he loves me too. However, we both know we’re not what the other needs. There are still times when I am drawn to David as I see things in him that I want and need in my next husband, but in my heart, I know it wouldn’t work between us. Not only that, I love another man very much. So much so, that I want only what’s best for him, regardless of the cost to me. This means that if he would be happier married to another woman, so be it. His name is Dorn.

I met Dorn when I was about 12 or so while he was staying with his aunt in part to help her with his young cousins. I don’t remember why I and my brothers were staying with her, but I do remember developing a huge crush on him. He didn’t know it, but everyone else did. Then circumstances in our lives made it so that we lost contact with each other and I forgot about him completely, although I never forgot about his aunt and cousins.

Then several years later, an interesting set of circumstance brought us back into each other lives. My brother, Mike stopped at a fast food restaurant for lunch, which apparently is a rare thing for him. As he was standing in line, he noticed a woman in another line who looked familiar. She’d been looking at him, too. Then they realized they knew each other. It was Dorn’s cousin, Elaina. They talked and swapped contact information, which included mother’s phone number that she passed on to her mother.

Several days later I came home to a strange car in the driveway, which annoyed me as I had to park on the street and then walk up the steep driveway to the house. After being on my feet all day at work, I was tired. When I got up to the house, I could see the back of a heavyset figure standing in front of the sliding glass door. When I opened it, his Aunt Liz turned around. I said, “Liz!”

She said, “Hello.”

Then we talked for a bit and she told me that Dorn was living in Federal way. I asked how he was as I frantically thought, “Dorn? Who’s Dorn? Oh, yeah, her nephew upon whom I used to have a crush.”

She told me she might bring him by someday. I said, “I’d like that.”

Shortly after that she left. In the days following, I tried to picture seeing him at the house after all those years, but I just couldn’t. A few days later I received a call at work from my mother to tell me that Dorn had called and asked for me.

I said, “He asked for me?”

“Yes.” I was surprised as I hadn’t expected that. He called again after I got home. There was no awkwardness. It was is if we’d always been friends. As time went by and we got to know each other all over again, I began to love him. I didn’t realize it at first. In fact it was David who pointed it out to me one night when we were in his study talking. It took me about three days to adjust to the idea as I felt like I’d been hit on the head with a load of bricks, but I realized he was right. I did and do love Dorn.

The love I feel for him hasn’t died or even lessened in any way. It feels as strong as it did when I first realized what I felt for him wasn’t just friendship. So until that issue is resolved one way or another, no way is my heart free to love David or anyone else for that matter. Part of me wants to; sometimes I think I love David that way, but only for a moment and usually during our most intimate moments because my heart is so involved there. Otherwise no, I just can’t, as my heart isn’t free to right now. There have been times when I wished I didn’t love Dorn. Partly because he made it clear that he didn’t think it was possible for us to ever be more than friends. Also because I think it would be easier on me to not love someone who may never feel the same way. I have learned from this that you cannot control what your heart feels. You can only control how you deal with those feelings.

Loving someone like that and not being able to express it is very difficult and painful in its way. This has helped me to understand how David felt when he used to tell me that he loved me so much that he wanted to kiss me. It has also given me a greater understanding of how much God loves us, but won’t violate our free will and how hard that must be on Him to have so much love for us but be unable to express it.