Saturday, December 19, 2015

Should Our Children Have to Struggle in Life?



“Coming to America” is one of my personal favorite movies. Mainly because of Eddie Murphy’s character, Prince Akeem. In the movie, it is time for him to choose a bride. He tells Arsenio Hall, who plays Semmi, his personal servant/trainer that he wants “a woman who not only stimulates his loins, but also his mind.”

I got to thinking about another scene in that movie recently. John Amos as Cleo McDowell tells his daughter Lisa, played by Shari Headly that she should seriously consider marrying Darryl, played by Eriq LaSalle because he's rich. His parents have made a fortune with some greasy hair product. Lisa would never have to work or struggle the way he and his wife did. He wanted her to have it easier. At first glance, this is a sweet thought. Upon further reflection, I start wondering if that’s really so sweet.

When you really think about it, the struggles we go through in life are a huge part of who we are today. They teach us persistence and endurance.  They also show us how much we care about whatever it is we’re trying to accomplish. Sometimes they help us find something we’re passionate about. Struggling also helps us discover strength and endurance that can be used all our lives.

Knowing this makes me wonder why we think it’s so great to make things easier for our children. When we make things easier for our children, even with the best of intentions, we’re telling them they don’t need to struggle. We’re teaching them to look for an easy way to do things.  In the long run, when we don’t allow our children to struggle with things, then we’re not teaching them persistence and endurance. So much in life depends on being able to persist and endure when things don’t go the way we expect.

Also, this could and should teach them to ask for help when they truly need it. In so many ways, we’re the primary teachers of life lessons to our children. So, when we try to make things easier for our children because we don’t think they should have to struggle the way we did, what are we really teaching them?

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Chocolate Fiend



Recently, I inadvertently created a chocolate fiend in my house. How did I do that you ask? Well, it’s simple. Let me start at the beginning. . .

I get the occasional craving for chocolate, as most of us do, but when it started getting to be a fairly frequent thing, I started keeping some on hand for those times. It’s better than eating all the chocolate chips I need for baking cookies. I would buy coconut bon bons and some dark chocolate covered mint or some peanut butter cups at the local Trader Joe’s. Once in a while I’d buy dark chocolate nonpareils, which are small chocolate disks with little sugar balls on the bottom. Then my roommate asked if he could have some of my chocolates. Next thing I know, he’s wanting to share my personal chocolate supply. From then on we bought him a supply of his own.

I used to drink coffee, but can no longer tolerate it, so I switched to Hot Chocolate for the days when I need some “caffeine.” Hey, if you can’t have caffeine a sugar rush will do. Shortly after doing so, my roommate asked me to fix him some hot cocoa as he was cold. Okay, no problem. I went into the kitchen, heated some milk and added the appropriate amount of hot cocoa mix to his cup. When the milk was hot, I poured it in while stirring the powder so that the two became one. I then presented him with the finished product. He drank it and declared it so good, that I had to teach him how to do it for himself.

Okay, I know, you’re thinking “that’s not enough to make a chocolate fiend” and you’re right. It’s not. However, since I’ve taught him to make his own cocoa, he drinks at least one cup a day. I barely drink it twice a week. I’ve had to stock up on so much cocoa mix that I almost might as well buy stock in the company. I have cocoa mix in my cupboard and the pantry and even on my dining room table in an effort to keep enough on hand for him (just kidding about the dining room table, but my pantry does contain several cans of the mix).

Now if that wasn’t bad enough, I made the mistake of sharing part of my pound plus Belgian 72% Dark Chocolate bar with him. Now he wants to eat that too. Thankfully, I can keep it hidden and he knows better than to look for it. The problem is that every time I want to eat some, I either have to disappoint him because I don’t want to share it (it is mine, after all) or skip eating it. Actually not eating it isn’t too bad as I do need to lose some weight, but . . . sigh. . .

I told him that next time we go shopping we’re going to have to buy him one. He agreed. Hopefully, I won’t have to worry about my chocolate supply after that.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Adjusting to Retirement

I "retired" 13 years ago to be a full time at home mom and home executive. At first, I didn't know what to do with my time. The decision for me to quit working had come rather suddenly, so I didn't have time to plan out my days and our house is small, so it doesn't take a lot to keep it reasonably tidy. For several days I played around on my computer, usually solitaire. Then my son introduced me to a game called Runescape. It's a MMORPG. I played it for several hours a day for a few years. Then I started wondering what it was really doing for me. Sure I was having a good time and some of my game skills were level 80 or better, but what was it doing for me as a person in real life? Slowly I started realizing there were better things I could be doing with my time. So, I found a few hobbies.

I started cross stitching again. I relearned  how to knit and have tried to learn to crochet again. I struggle with crocheting, but I plan to keep trying. I'm learning to quilt and as I mentioned in a previous blog, I've also learned glassblowing.

I finally settled into some sort of routine, which helped me make time for all these activities and my roommate retired. I'd known for a long time that he wanted to retire, but couldn't. He finally got to a place where he could and now we're adjusting all over again.

I'd gotten used to having the house to myself, but with my roommate being home all the time, I have to remember to close my study door. If I don't, he'll come in and start talking, which of course totally disrupts whatever I'm doing. I even had to go so far as to put up a note on the door, which reads:

"DO NOT DISTURB IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM!! (Don't speak, tap, knock or in any way disturb the writer at work).

Most of the time it works. lol Every so often he'll knock because he needs something he's left in my study.

The other adjustment that I hadn't expected, but should have is that I'm now cooking breakfast and lunch for two, most of the time. Before he was home all the time, more often than not, I'd just grab whatever was handy, sit in front of the TV and watch whatever I wanted. I can still pretty much watch what I want, but I'm not alone now.


There are blessings to his being home all the time. I no longer have to get up at 3:45 a.m. and make sure he didn't sleep through the alarm. I don't have to wait for an 8:00 a.m. phone call before settling into my day and if I really need to talk to him, he's available in ways he wasn't when he worked. I also don't have to wait for my son to come home to do the heavy lifting that I can't. Grocery shopping or errands in general are more leisurely now as he doesn't have to work the next day. So there are some definite benefits.

All in all, his retirement has been good for both of us. So far. . .

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Gun Control

Every time someone takes a gun and shoots a bunch of people, there's talk of gun control. What people seem to forget is that the gun is merely a tool. It doesn't pick itself up and fire at random people or ask questions and fire at those who give an answer it doesn't like. Yet, somehow people blame guns for the murder and carnage caused by the use of one.

The problem with controlling guns is that if someone is determined to get one, they will. Look at how well it's worked out making drugs illegal. Don't forget prohibition when alcohol was outlawed. WE all know how well that worked. This means that if you manage to ban guns, only people who don't care about laws will have one and law abiding citizens such as myself will be defenseless against those with guns.

The other thing I see is that if someone is truly determined to kill others, that person will find a way. Several months ago, I read about a young man who managed to kill a few people with a sharp knife before he was stopped. If this happens again, will we start banning sharp knives? If so, what about people who use them to make a living, such as chefs?

Part of the point of the 2nd amendment was that we should be able to defend ourselves against those that would harm us, including if necessary, our own government. Yet, our government is using these incidents to slowly restrict our gun ownership and eventually take them away. They know they can't just grab them as people will revolt, but if enough mass shootings happen, they can use that as an excuse to limit or take away our guns for "our own safety." The idea being that if guns are only in the hands of officials, then the average maniac can't use them. The problem with that is that as one woman I knew several years ago told me, she knew where to get any gun she wanted as long as she had enough cash.She also told me that when she was young she saw a woman from Germany get off a plane and say, "Don't let them take away your guns!" This woman had seen first hand what happens when only the government is allowed to own guns.

If we really want to stop these shootings, then we need to address the issues that cause them before they happen. I read an article that points out that strong communities where people feel welcome are a huge part of this. If we really want to stop the problem, we can't leave it up to law enforcement. for more information, the article is posted here.

http://mystudentapt.com/2015/10/06/theres-a-way-to-stop-mass-shootings-and-you-wont-like-it/

Please copy and paste into your browser and read this. I found it informative and I think you will to.

Friday, September 25, 2015

God’s Amazing Power and the Responsibility That Comes with It



My roommate, David and I were talking recently about how God has numbered the hairs on our head (Matt 10:30) and I suddenly realized what a wonderful thing that is. God cares enough about us as individuals to keep track of the very hair on our heads.
As I thought about that, we started talking about the movie “Bruce Almighty” with Jim Carrey and Morgan Freeman. The basic premise is that Jim Carrey’s character, Bruce, loses his job and gets angry at God because so much is going wrong in his life at that point. God (Morgan Freeman) succeeds in getting his attention and then tells him that He, God is going to give Bruce all His power. Bruce doesn’t believe it at first. Then when he realizes it’s true, he is thrilled and at first does the kinds of things we’d all like to do if we could. He gets revenge on people who’ve treated him poorly, upgrades his car, etc.
Then one night while at dinner with his girlfriend, Grace (Jennifer Aniston), he starts hearing voices. As a result he starts speaking louder, even to the point of yelling, even though the restaurant they’re in is quiet. He leaves and finds God to ask Him about the voices he’s suddenly hearing. God tells him those are prayers and that they’ve backed up on him because he ignored them. Not only that, but God had only given him responsibility for a small portion of New York City.
This scene taught me something major and AMAZING about God. I’ve known since I was a young girl that God knows what I’m thinking and feeling. It used to bother me, till the day that I realized that if He already knows what I’m thinking and feeling, I might as well say it. The really AMAZING thing I learned from that scene though was just how much God has to keep track of and sort out.
Think about it. God knows what’s going on in the hearts and minds of billions of people on this planet at any point in the day.  Not only that, but He can separate who’s thinking or doing what. Let me say that another way. With all the billions of people on this planet who speak thousands of languages, God knows who is thinking and doing what at any time, yet He hears and responds to the faintest cry for Him.  Can you imagine? I don’t know about you, but I can’t listen to two conversations at the same time, much less several, but God hears billions of thoughts and conversations and even the faintest, sincere cry for Him. How wonderful and amazing is that?
Another scene in “Bruce Almighty” helped me to understand just how much God sees the individual need and answers us as individuals. After learning that all the voices are prayers, he sets up a website/e-mail program to help him answer the prayers. For a while, he answers each prayer on an individual basis. After answering several hundred, if not several thousand, he still has thousands of prayers to deal with. At this point he decides to “reply all” with one answer – “Yes.”
What happens next is absolute chaos. So many people had prayed to win the lottery, that when Bruce answered “Yes” to all prayers, they all won a tiny amount. As a result, the people rioted and looted because they were so angry.
This brought home to me just how much responsibility God has and how much He can handle that we can’t. Really think about this. God hears each and every one of us and responds to us as individuals. How amazing and wonderful is that? He hears us and knows exactly how to respond to us whether the answer is, “yes,” “no,” or “not right now.” That’s a lot of responsibility. I don’t know about you, but I have my hands full just trying to deal with my own life. There’s no way I could handle responsibility for billions of lives, yet God does just that every day, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365/366 days a year. He’s been doing that since He created Adam and Eve. Granted, it was a lot easier when it was just the two of them, but He told them to be fruitful and multiply, so He at least had some idea of what He was taking on.
For me, this brought home just how much responsibility God has on His shoulders and how magnificent He is in being able to take care of everything. This just makes me appreciate Him all the more.

Friday, September 18, 2015

One More Thought About Marriage

I realize that posting a poem may seem like an easy way to write a post, but I read this poem many years ago and never forgot it. It's relative to my recent posts about marriage and it's one I would recommend to anyone even considering marriage. I know it as "A Woman's Question" by Lena Lathrop, but recently learned the original title was, "A Woman's Answer to a Man's Question."

Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing
Ever made by the hand above--
A woman's heart, and a woman's life
And a woman's wonderful love?
Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might ask for a toy,
Demanding what others have died to win,
With the reckless dash of a boy?
You have written my lesson of duty out,
Man-like you have questioned me;
Now stand at the bar of my woman's soul
Until I shall question thee.
You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt be whole;
I require your heart to be true as God's stars,
And as pure as heaven your soul.
You require a cook for your mutton and beef;
I require a far better thing.
A seamstress you're wanting for socks and shirts;
I look for a man and a king.
A king for the beautiful realm called home,
And a man that the maker, God,
Shall look upon as he did the first
And say, "It is very good."
I am fair and young, but the rose will fade
From my soft, young cheek one day,
Will you love me then 'mid the falling leaves,
As you did 'mid the bloom of May?
Is your heart an ocean so strong and deep,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.
I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give all this, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.
If you cannot do this -- a laundress and cook
You can hire, with little to pay,
But a woman's heart and a woman's life
Are not to be won that way.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Labor Day Weekend 2010



The Friday before Labor Day 2010 was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and I was planning to go for a walk, but first I was going to spend some time playing my then favorite online game, especially since they were doing a double experience weekend for members only, which I was. 
I went to another room of the house for a few minutes and as I started to come back to my computer, something really weird happened. I was suddenly short of breath, my throat felt tight and my lower back hurt. My first thought was that maybe I was having a severe allergic reaction to something, but I’m not really allergic to anything and I hadn’t been near any common allergens, such as bees for days. That’s when I realized something else was wrong. I decided to sit down for a minute and see what happened. Then I remembered that when it comes to heart attacks, women tend to have very different symptoms than men. I was sitting in front of my computer, so I did a search. Holy Cow! I got over a million hits and as I scrolled through and checked out a few, I realized that I could spend all day looking and not find an exact match for my symptoms. That’s when I decided it was better to risk making a fool of myself with 911 and emergency personnel than to potentially cause myself serious problems.
So, I called 911 and the operator asked me what I needed. I didn’t quite understand the question at first, so I described my symptoms and she dispatched an ambulance to my house. The EMTs came in and checked me out, then slowly walked me to the ambulance.
They took me to a local hospital ER and as I was laying on the cot, it dawned on me that I was still in my bathrobe and nightgown as I’d been too scared to get dressed. Then I realized that I didn’t have any way to get home after I was done being treated for whatever was wrong. So, I used my cell phone and called my brother and left a message. 
While I was waiting to be taken care of, a nurse told me that she thought that whatever was wrong with me was muscular. I looked at her and thought, “No, it’s not. I know my body well enough to know this isn’t muscular and I haven’t done anything in recent days to warrant that kind of injury.” I got the impression that the ER doctor was having a difficult time diagnosing my problem. Then someone decided to give me a nitro glycerin pill. Those things are weird. You slowly dissolve it under your tongue, but if it gets on your tongue, it tingles. However, it made me feel better and that’s when I found out I’d be staying overnight. So, I called my brother back and told him not to worry about me.
The next day, a man walks into my room and introduces himself as Dr. B, a cardiologist. He’d been called in because of my heart and wanted to do an angiogram. Basically, he wanted to insert a tube in my groin to have a good look at my heart. I said that there had to be a less invasive way to look at my heart. He said that an angiogram was the best way. I kept insisting there had to be a less invasive way. He finally relented and said he’d see who was on duty in the tech department. While he was gone, I called my doctor’s after hours nurse and spoke with her. By the time he came back, I was ready to let him do the angiogram, but he’d found someone he liked in the tech department. 
She brought in an ultrasound machine and used it on my heart. I could tell by the way they were talking during the ultrasound that something serious was wrong and at that point I’d have let him do just about anything he thought necessary to take care of me. After the ultrasound on my heart, I was told not to eat as they wanted to do a CAT scan as well. I was taken downstairs for that and when it was over, was told I could eat. I ordered lunch and had eaten maybe two or three bites when a nurse walked in and said, “Stop Eating!” in a loud voice. That’s when I knew they wanted to do surgery and they wanted to do it ASAP. 
The doctor came back into the room and explained that my aorta was dissecting or separating like layers of a tissue. He wanted to send me to a particular hospital, but my case was tricky, so it depended on who was on duty there. He told me the other two choices and I gave him my preference. The third hospital was the last place I wanted to be as they were part of a large university and I’d had a bad experience with the dental school several years prior. In the end, I ended up at the one I didn’t want because it had the only doctor on duty qualified to do what needed to be done. An ambulance was called to take me there.
When I got there, the surgeon told me that even when my type of surgery is planned, it’s tricky. One in four people don’t get off the table in my circumstances. I looked at him and said, “Okay,” and that’s the last thing I remember till I woke up with a tube in my throat and straps holding me down. I literally couldn’t move or speak. I heard a voice say, “Oh, good you’re awake” and then she went to get someone. Turns out I was in the ICU. I have no idea how long I spent in the hospital total after my surgery, but I’d say 4 – 5 days.
When I came home, I spent most days just sleeping or watching TV. I literally did not have the energy to do anything else. I couldn’t even sit at my computer for more than a few minutes without feeling absolutely exhausted. This was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to go through medically.
I have healed well and do try to take better care of myself than I used to before this happened. It acted as something of a wake up call, even though my cardiologist thinks part of the problem was genetic. 
I am immensely grateful for the people involved in saving my life, not just the medical personnel, but for those of you reading this who have donated blood at some point in your life. I learned that I’d been given a “six pack of platelets” during my surgery. That means that it took six individuals with their own busy lives who were willing to make time to donate blood to save mine.
I also learned on my first follow up with the cardiologist, Dr. B that it was a good thing that I’d insisted there had to be a less invasive way to look at my heart. He told me that if they’d gone up the wrong way, they could have made things worse. So, never be afraid to speak up if you’re not comfortable with what the doctor is saying. It could save your life or the life of someone you love.
P.S. One other good thing came out of this. I’d been home for a short time when a former neighbor came by claiming to have a rebate for some work he’d done for us over a year ago. I was still in my nightshirt that day and he told me to get dressed and he’d me to get take me to the bank. I thought that was odd as he’d never mentioned one at the time the work was done and rebates are usually done by mail. I suspect he was hoping to get me somewhere by myself in hopes of convincing me to move with him to where he now lived. I’d known since long before he moved away that he was far more interested in me than I was in him. When I told him that I simply didn’t have the energy, he said, “Why not?”
I pulled the neck of my nightshirt down and said, “I just got home from having heart surgery.” Now, at this point I still had the stitches in my chest, so it wasn’t a pretty sight. I don’t remember what he said after that, but he quickly left. He came back the next day and told me that he hadn’t been able to eat dinner and he’d had nightmares the night before. I haven’t seen him since.

Friday, September 4, 2015

Sex in a Christian Marriage Part II



Continued from last week...
He claims that men may divorce their wives for any sexual immorality. This includes withholding sex from her husband, adultery, or having premarital sex. Women are only allowed to divorce their husbands if they’re abusing her or not taking care to provide for her and their children. Both genders may also divorce in a case of abandonment. He’s correct in that the reasons specified are Biblical grounds for divorce, except for abuse. The Bible does not mention that, but I don’t believe God would want anyone to stay in an abusive relationship.
As for men being the only ones allowed to initiate divorce for sexual immorality, I can’t buy into that. God respects man’s cultural traditions and at the time, men often took more than one wife even though that’s not what God intended. I believe that’s why divorce for adultery was not an option for a woman, because men in the Old Testament often had more than one wife. However, given that in later years, men only have one wife, that means a man may actually commit adultery and that is grounds for a wife to file for divorce. By the way, God did not intend for men to have more than one wife. If He had, He’d have created Adam and Eve and Sue and . . . I think you get the point.
I also think that given that the Bible doesn’t tell us everything, God expects us to use our minds and make decisions based on His word and good sense. This means that if the husband is consistently not being a good husband, such as the church elder who puts his family duties on his wife’s shoulders, then that’s emotional abuse and/or abandonment and she should have the right to file for divorce; once she’s done everything in her power to change things.
One last thought, I did find scriptures that admonish husbands to love their wives.
Ephesians 5:25 Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
The blogger claims that’s about holiness for the church, but I see more. Christ gave up his life for the church. How many men would do that for their wives?
Ephesians 5:28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as they love their own bodies. How who loves his own wife loves himself.
He quotes this in one of his posts, but doesn’t go into any details. Men, part of loving your wife is taking care of her and not hurting her. A man who takes care of his wife the best he can, will find that she wants to take care of him in return. As my roommate, David often tells me; in marriage, everything starts with the husband. The wife is a reflection of how her husband treats her. If he loves her and takes care of her the best he’s able, she’ll reflect that in how she takes care of the home and her treatment of him and their children. If he doesn’t, she’ll reflect that as well as I wrote early on in this post.
Colossians 3:19 Men love your wives and do not be embittered against them.
Again, men are admonished to love their wives.
The other blogger does quote these scriptures, but even then he doesn’t think women should withhold sex or affection because a husband isn’t meeting his obligations to her. Given that marriage is in essence a contract between a man and a woman to love, honor, and cherish one another, I think a woman does have the right to do what she needs to do to get her husband to fulfill his part of the contract if he consistently fails to uphold his end. He advises women to submit to their husbands regardless of what he does and to give her anger and bitterness to the Lord in the hopes that it will change her husband. A woman can only handle so much anger and bitterness, even with God’s help before something has to give. Crying to God only goes so far when a man is unwilling to change. I believe that God expects us to do everything we can, including talking to our spouse, getting counseling with or without your spouse if necessary and pray for wisdom and strength to endure. I also believe that there are limits to what we should have to endure. I don’t believe God would want us as women to stay in a relationship that will kill us at an emotional level and eventually could kill us physically.
As I mentioned earlier, a man who does not even attempt to meet his wife’s needs will breed bitterness and rebellion in his own home. He also sets a bad example of what a husband should be to his children, which perpetuates the problem.
One last thing, I knew a woman once whose husband expected her to be busy all the time. If she took a break to read a book, he’d ask her why she wasn’t doing anything. I visited her at home a couple of times and her home was always orderly and she even told me that she used to make crab apple jelly from the fruit of the trees in their yard. On one visit, she and I were talking when her husband walked into the room. He worked from home and was clearly in the middle of something. He never acknowledged my presence, even though he walked right by me. I don’t think he even saw me. A moment later he called her over to help him with something. He didn’t ask her, he simply said, “Sue*, I need you over here.”
There was no question or, “Pardon me ladies, but I need my wife’s help for a few minutes.”

It was a command. I didn’t see her again after that partly because she attended a church that had thrown me out and I didn’t want to potentially cause problems for her and partly because of his attitude that day. The next thing I heard about her was that she’d gone into the hospital and died. I was told that she’d told the nurses she wanted to go home. It puzzled them as she was due to go home the next day. She died that night. I believe she didn’t want to go back to the house with her husband, but rather she wanted to go home to the Lord. Looking back on this, I strongly suspect that she didn’t trust her husband to truly give her the time she would have needed to recover from whatever put her in the hospital in the first place. She was an example of the damage that can be done to a woman when a husband does not take proper care of his wife. I know her husband remarried, but I never met his second wife and he has since died as well.
*I changed her name, even though neither she nor her husband are alive out of respect for her. I truly regret never seeing her again, but at the time I did what I thought was best.